His Parts Like Theirs

I just love everything about this picture. Sawyer's Birth Parents made him a scrapbook when he was born and this is a page from the book. The side says :"Your Parts Of Us". He does have their super amazing good looks all the way! Sawyer loves this book and looks at it often. So do I! I miss them so bad. We can't wait to see them again :-)

Maybe....

       Imagine if you will... the moment we first met. Not here on earth, but before this life. I know this may sound a bit crazy but you and I both agree, when we met each other, “We just knew”. Why is that do you think? Were our souls reuniting but our minds couldn’t comprehend it? Lets go there for a bit. Let's dig a little deeper and expand on the "what if". Say we did know each other before this life. What was the first day like? Did we meet in passing and become instant friends or was it more of a casual introduction that grew over time. We must have shared some common interests and were passionate about some of the same things. We must have trusted each other a lot and respected each other so much to maintain the amazing friendship we created. I’m sure we laughed together, cried together, and carried each other when needed.

     What do you think we were doing the day adoption came up? Was it causal, a challenge we accepted, or a deal we made? Did I devastatingly share with you that God told me I would be barren on earth? Did you plea for my case to find a way when the plan of adoption was presented? If so..... you must have loved me tremendously. To carry a child and lovingly share him with me so I could experience Motherhood. You must have loved me a lot to knowingly come here and be willing to go through so much pain so I could have a chance at happiness.  If so... thank you for keeping your promise. Another possibility could have been that maybe these children were originally meant to come to me. That the original plan was for me to bear them like most other women out there. But when the news came to you about your plan on this earth, maybe it didn’t include areas of joy and growth you desired to become everything you intended to be. Joy and experience that could only be obtained by becoming a Birth Mother. If so.... I must have loved you tremendously. To agree to be barren if it meant greater things for you, then it was worth it. I must have loved you a lot to knowingly come here and endure the constant struggles of infertility without ever know why I’m broken.  Maybe I was your “Just in Case” and you knew I would be there if you ever were in a jam. Or maybe you were mine and I knew you would be there if adoption was my only solution to eternal happiness. Maybe adoption was our only way to learn things of importance. Of spirituality. Of faith. Of giving. Of loving and accepting love. 

 Maybe it was none of these reasons. Maybe its all of them. 

Maybe it was the boys idea. Maybe they approached us with this glorious plan, smiled with their dimples, and maybe we agreed. They needed us both. They brought us together so together we could love and raise them to become greater than the rest. Maybe the boys couldn’t just settle for being friends, they had to be brothers and this was the only way. 

     We are necessary for each other. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here today. If you weren’t meant to be in my life, maybe my children would have come to me directly and you wouldn’t have accepted the calling of being a Birth Mother. What ever the plan was, I am grateful. We must have invented the pinky promise and set our lives up in a way that our paths would cross. Our bond was so great there that we had to make sure it carried over to here. Good news.... we made it. We listened, prayed, and painfully followed through. We are stronger and wiser than was originally intended for us. We didn’t settle for mediocre lives and we expanded far from the obvious. We are becoming extraordinary and we are becoming the version of ourselves God intended for us to be. 

 I look forward to the day when we know the truth behind our “1st” introduction. To see how all of this really came about. You are one of my best friends and I look forward to the day that we can comfortably pick up where we left off. I love you a ton. Thats a pinky promise. 

                                                             Candace 

If only they knew...

    I promise to be here forever. I promise to never leave you wondering and I promise to always...always leave my door open. When times get rough, I promise to fight for you. To push past my own insecurities and always give you the benefit of the doubt. If I feel you pulling away, I promise to beg you to stay. I promise to honor your special role in our child's life and nurture the hero role you are to us. I promise to love our child to the greatest of my possibilities.... for the both of us. I promise to give my all with every fiber of my being and sacrifice what I need to to make sure he has the life he was intended to have.  If I have a concern, I’ll address it. If I have a need, Ill tell you. If I have a prompting, I’ll act upon it. Your value to me is worth it and we are greater than mistaken assumptions. If your sad Ill be your shoulder. When your happy I’ll gladly share your joy. One day I know you will see the version of yourself that I see in you. You will see the love I have for you being in my life and finally you will see what your worth is to me.       Love, Candace

Our Son's Adoptive Birth Dad

        For many years, I only knew of open adoption one way. We had our son, he had us. He had his Birth Parents, and his Birth Parents had him. We had Birth Parents and they have all of us.  From the moment we met our son's Birth Parents, there was no turning back. We met, they asked us to be their child's parents, and from that day forward we all worked towards nurturing and molding our two worlds together to make our sons world one. For us to be where we are now, didn't happen over night. It took a lot of growing, healing, commitment, and sustainment of each other. We had to be strong enough to push pass jealousies, always give the benefits of the doubts, and be engaged in growing together... as a team... for this little boy we shared. 

As I started to get more involved in the open adoption community, I was able to meet some amazing Adoptive Parents & Amazing Birth Moms, but surprisingly to me... very few active Birth Dads. Where were all the Birth Dads?? There are so many wonderful things I love about my sons Birth Parents. I could write a novel with several volumes on how great they both are. For this blog though, I am going to spotlight our sons Birth Father. 

    The first time I met our sons Birth Father, I admit it, I didn't know what to think. He was tall, tough, and super...SUPER quite. After talking to him for a bit though, I slowly saw the gentle giant come out in him. I could see the fear in his big dark eyes from the many unknowns in the choice he was making for his son. For our Birth Father, he didn't have much support from his family in his decision so the only real support he had was from our sons Birth Mother, her family, and us. (Once we met his family after placement things were different and we felt nothing but love and gratitude from them. We love them a lot!!)

While our Birth Mother was pregnant, he was there. When our son was born, he was there. He was involved, he was supportive, and he LOVED and still does LOVE his son very much. I was very fortunate to be able to be in the room when our son entered the world. While she gave birth he stood on one side of our Birth Mom and I stood on the other, along with her Mother. When he came out I saw the instant proudness on his face. When it came time to cut the cord, a job that traditionally the father does, he passed that honorable duty to me. I didn't even know they had discussed that until the doctor handed him the scissors and he redirected them to me. (I am so thankful for that opportunity.)

We all had 2 days together in the hospital. We were pretty uncertain about what an open adoption was like so we weren't sure what life was going to be like once we left the hospital. When it was time to sign the papers, we signed in different rooms and afterwards they joined us in our room. I could tell this was killing them both inside. They both had been crying and were feeling the deepest pain they have ever faced in their life.... all for the love they had for their son. They were my first true example of pure, self-less love. 

After the hospital we had several visits with them, together and separately. We were determined to use this experience for good. 

    2 years later our family felt it was time to grow so began our journey for open adoption #2. We were contacted by a beautiful young girl who was starting her adoption journey alone, without the baby's father. Once he found out she was pregnant, he quickly vanished and wanted nothing to do with this child. Her and I communicated for a while, found out it's a BOY, and then we met up in Utah when we went out to visit my family. When she told me the father was not involved I didn't really know what to think. If anything I think I was surprised. I wondered how that would be to have one open adoption where my son has both of his Birth Parents and another adoption that has a Biological father that wants nothing to do with him. Now I have said a lot of prayers in my life. Prayed for big things, small things, and things that don't really matter. But when I prayed about this girl and her son, I got the STRONGEST conformation I have EVER had to a prayer in my whole life. It truly felt like God was sitting there next to me telling me that everything would be just fine and things would work out for the good of everyone. It was so STRONG and so powerful that through the whole adoption process, doubt never crossed my mind again. No matter what happened, it would turn out the way God intended it to be. 

When our 2nd son was born, his Birth Mother delivered alone. She had just endured a painful pregnancy, stares, whispers, and judgement from other people,  and was left to make these hard... HARD decisions alone. Luckily she had her family and a few friends to help support her in this difficult time. She had 2 days with her son in the hospital. She tried reaching the Bio-Father several times but he ignored her. When it came time to sign the papers, she painfully signed her name with no support from him. (He did sign his portion of the paperwork 2 months before our son was born.) 

As months went by we went back out to Utah a few more times and tried to make plans to meet the Biological Father. Finally after 9 months and 2 false alarms (he stood us up) we met him in person. Our son looked SO much like his Bio-Father!  It was kind of a bittersweet moment for us. I was so grateful to meet him and so extremely grateful that he went through with the adoption plan but I was heartbroken for my son and his Birth Mother. I did ask why he wasn't ever there and he said he was just scared. I believe he was scared...he was a young immature kid. (He still hasn't told his family that he has a son out there.) In that one visit I tried to get it all in. I got as many pictures as I could and asked as many questions I could think of. I just didn't know if I'd ever have another chance to do so. I'm glad I did because we haven't ever seen him again. I did ask before he left that visit if he would like us to give him updates and he said "No". 

After that visit I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. I looked at my precious boys and wondered HOW could anybody not want to be involved in their precious lives? How could someone so willingly want to reject my handsome little boy? I was heartbroken for him. I was heartbroken for the situation. I knew what open adoption had the potential to become but I couldn't force someone to be involved if they didn't want to. 

When we came back home, we met up with our oldest sons Birth Father. I shared with him what had just happened on our visit and he couldn't make sense of it either. He had asked me one time if when my oldest son (his Birth Son) was older, if he could take him to a baseball or football game sometime. During this conversation I brought that up and told him how sad I felt for my younger son having to sit at home and never being able to have moments like that with his Bio-Father. He quickly corrected me and said "Uh... HELLO... It's not like I'm going to leave his little brother at home!" At that moment he claimed him. Our youngest son was still a baby so he hadn't had much time to get to know him, but from that day forward he became the "Adoptive Birth Dad" to our youngest son. He loves both of our sons so much. Our youngest son has his own special little bond with him too. What a gift to have him for a Birth Dad in our life! We are all so lucky to have him! Our youngest son's Birth Mother is super grateful for him too for being there in that special way :-) 

So what does it mean to be an Adoptive Birth Dad? Basically it just means to love the unbiological child just as much. To make the child feel just as special on visits, holidays, or birthdays and not to feel left out at all.  To maybe give some answers that us as Adoptive Parents can't answer. I know there will come a time in my youngest sons life when he starts asking questions. I will never lie to my children and will always prayerfully handle delicate situations when they arise. He may not have his Bio-Father in his life but he will always have his amazing Birth Mom, Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sister, Adoptive Birth Dad, and lots of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins that are. It is not something I really worry about anymore. Maybe some day his Bio-Father will come around but if not that's ok too. 

    Birth Dads are important and we got a good one. Birth Dad is now a full time father to a BEAUTIFUL little girl with his wonderful girlfriend whom we LOVE!! She is super supportive of our unique little modern family and she is an important part of it as well. We love you Birth Dad and we are more grateful for you than you know. Heart & Soul

Let the Search for THEM Begin!

Sawyer's Birth Mother has Baby #2!

Meet Baby JAX!! Sawyer's dear Birth Mother had a sweet baby boy this month. It was so tender to see her Mother him. I am so excited to see her be a full time Mommy. He is one lucky little boy.

A typical picture of us. Jamison crying and Sawyer holding the dollar he earned by posing for a picture. Congrats Mom and Dad!! 

He has a special place in my heart :-)

Becoming the Answer

God has this wonderful way of making the stars align just right so that certain people come in your life, and you just know the version of yourself you thought you were.... will never be the same. You learn something from them that will give you a whole new perspective on life as you know it and gain the tools you need to be better & finer than you are.
   When I read this quote, it immediately reminded me of our dear Birth Families. They were a HUGE answer to our prayers. Brett and I wanted children so so so badly and we worried it was never going to happen for us. It was a huge, painful, trial in our life. It was a very humbling time in our life that made us who we are today. We prayed for children every single day. Every. Single. Day. 6 years later we were blessed with our son Sawyer. As we had been praying for a child in our home, his Birth Parents had been praying for a home for their child. We were an answer to each other's prayer. The moment we met his dear Birth Parents, the past 6 years all made sense. It took us 6 years to gain the knowledge and appreciation we need to be Sawyer's parents.  It was a time of spiritual growth and a time of testing our patience. It was a refining process. Most importantly though..... it was SO worth it. Every tear we shed, every prayer we said, every plea we made, was so worth it.  Two years later, we were blessed with our 2nd son. We always knew we wanted to adopt again but this time we knew we just had to trust in the Lord's plan. Sawyer's adoption taught us that now matter how good we though our plan was, God's plan was better than anything we could of imagined. When Jamison and his dear Birth Mother entered our life, again... our prayers had been answered. So were hers. Again... God's plan was SO good!
    When adoption happens, something beautiful takes place. Two worlds come together to make a child's world one. A unity is created between 2 women that is greater, stronger, and so divinely sacred. It is a deep bond with such a profound love and appreciation for one another. I love our Birth Moms and Birth Dads so much. When times get rough, I will fight for them; To push past my own insecurities and always give them the benefit of the doubt. If I feel them pulling away I will reach out and beg them to stay if needed. I will always honor their special role in our children's life and nurture the hero role they are to us. If there are concerns, we address it. If I have a need, I tell them. If I have a prompting, I'll act upon it. Their value is so worth it to us and they are greater than mistaken assumptions. If they're sad I'll be their shoulder. When their happy I’ll gladly share their joy. We will always have each others back. One day I hope they will see the version of themselves that I see in them. They will see the love I have for them being in my life and finally they will fully see what their worth is to me.  The relationship I have with them is unlike an other relationship I've ever had. It's rare and it's beautiful. My son Sawyer's Birth Mother recently wrote this on her facebook, "I gave you life, and she made sure it was worth living. The relationship between a birth mom and her child's mother is so special and unique!" When I read that it made my day :-)
 

The Hardest "NO" Ever

I've debated on whether or not I would share this post or not considering there still isn't an ending and considering at any moment things could change. However through this experience I have gained so much peace and understand that otherwise I may have never fully understood. Thank you Heavenly Father for this experience.

Ill start from the beginning. It was late one night when I got a phone call from a friend asking if Brett and I were wanting to adopt another baby. A baby Girl!! My first thoughts were YES! YES! YES!! Brett was still at work so I told my friend I would discuss it with Brett and get back with her on a solid answer. I asked my friend lots of questions about this expectant Mom and her unborn baby girl. Everything sounded great!! The expectant Mom even looked like me with blonde hair and blue eyes.  I was so honored and flattered that she would even consider us. 

Things like this don't just happen every day. A baby out of no where, "falling in your lap". Those who have been on the adoptive parents end of adoption know this to be true. It's a process to adopt a child and for some people, they have to wait for YEARS for their children to come. How lucky are we? 

As excited as we were at the thought of a new baby joining our family, we still felt the importance of asking God if this baby was meant to come to our family. Adoption is hard. Very hard. You experience a lot of emotions that you have never felt before. When we adopted our boys we prayed a lot. One thing that gets you through the waiting and through the hard is trusting God enough to know he knows best.

 When we adopted Sawyer I was a mess those few months before he was born. I knew at any moment his Birth Parents could change their mind and choose to parent him. I had built a relationship with them and loved them enough to be fully be supportive of their decision if they chose to parent. I was new to adoption then. I had never met another person that was in an open adoption so for a good part of Sawyer's adoption Brett and I were alone in the process.  I had to trust heavily that Heavenly Father would carry us.  That he would guide us and direct us to follow through with what may come. I knew that if they chose to parent that it would be ok. That it wasn't a punishment it was the plan. As I strengthened my relationship with God during this time my heart became more at peace and I had more faith in his plan. It did me no good to worry. When the time came to sign placement papers, I sobbed. I ached for Sawyer's Birth Parents. They had just given us the greatest miracle of our lives but it came at the expense of a huge loss for them. It was the happiest sad time of my life. I will never forget that day and I am glad I never will.  I learned some new ways to love and trust. They taught me more than they will ever know. Its been over 3 years now and we still have an open adoption. I love them so so SOO dearly. 

When we started the process of adopting baby # 2 we came at it with a different approach.  Sawyer's adoption was so beautifully done that their was no doubt in our mind that Heavenly Father had his hand in everything. The lessons we learned in Sawyer's adoption process made us more at ease with Jamison's adoption. When our profile was turned in, we waited. But this time we didn't stress. We knew that our baby would come to us on the Lord's timing.... not ours. To our surprise we were contacted within a few months by a few different expectant Moms. Some we heard from only once and others just didn't work out. However when Jamison's Birth Mom contacted us it just felt right. We corresponded back and forth for a few weeks until we finally met in person. It just so happened that we had already planned a vacation in the very state she lived in. As we corresponded I was a little nervous to pray about her out of fear that maybe I wouldn't get the answer I was hoping for. However I knew it was important and did it anyways. Never in my life had I felt so sure about something as I did about this after I prayed. God heard my prayers and eased my mind of every single doubt I had. I didn't worry at all which was so weird because with Sawyer I worried a lot. The difference.... back then I didn't have the trust in God's plan that I needed. Sawyer's adoption taught me that. I even remember while waiting for Jamison to arrive thinking "Candace... You NEED to REMEMBER this. Your NEED to REMEMBER how sure you are of him and his Birth Mother. REMEMBER, REMEMBER, REMEMBER!" At times I would even think if I was just being cocky or arrogent or to sure of myself. Nope. I had that strong feeling for a reason. I knew I needed to remember this especially if times got hard so I wouldn't doubt. I was right. When Jamison was born things got rough quickly. Long story short, he had severe colic for 10 months straight. The relationship between his Birth Mother and I was a rocky one. It was so hard. Bonding with Jamison was hard. I felt like he hated me. I felt like his Birth Mother hated me. Many times I questioned the Lord as to why things were going this way. Why did everything go so wrong all the time. However each time I consulted with the Lord I always came back to REMEMBERING that conformation I had about them in the beginning. I needed to hang on that to carry me through the hard. Remembering gave me hope and trust in his plan. He is now 14 months old and things are great! I feel very bonded with him and I feel closer to his dear Birth Mother more now than I have ever been :-) 

Ok now back to were I was going with all of this. For us, praying about things are a must. Especially the big things..... life changing events, etc.  When we discussed the possibility of adopting a sweet little baby girl we knew it would be some work (3 kids 3 and under) but we could make it happen if it was the plan. People do it all the time. We were so excited about the possibilites to come, however, we knew we needed to consult with the Lord before we did anything. So Brett and I did just that. We fasted and prayed and to our surprise we didn't get the answer we were hoping for. As much as we wanted this little girl..... and trust me it was a LOT..... the answer as No. There was no peaceful conformation that she was ever meant to be ours. I sobbed for days. I begged and pleaded for this baby to be ours and the answer was still no. The only peace that came to my heart was the idea that she was someone else's baby and maybe I was just another avenue for this baby to arrive to her Mommy and Daddy. For days I questioned, doubted, pleaded, and sobbed. It was so painful to turn down this beautiful opportunity. It is so hard to put our own wants aside when we want something so badly. I am amazed at the strength of our boys Birth Parents. They did just that.... put their own wants aside for the sake of their child. I know these are different situations but I do feel even more love and appreciation for them because of this trial I just experienced. I questioned if we did the right thing or if we just turned down our daughter. Would we regret this down the road? Would this have been our only opportunity to adopt a baby girl? These questions consumed me deeply. I prayed for comfort at this time. I prayed for a miracle to happen to help me know we did the right thing. So I am not left wondering and that I can be at peace with all of this.  Guess what.... it did. That night some sister missionaries came to my home and asked if they could leave me with a spiritual thought. They read me a scripture that said " for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask him." Then they asked me if I recently had been in a situation where I questioned whether I felt God knew the needs of my heart. I just started sobbing again. I told them the situation and they tearfully told me that they knew I did the right thing. The spirit was so strong. They had felt inspired to come share that with me and I am so glad they did.  They really are messengers of God and were another answer to my prayers. 

It's been a few weeks now and I have kept in contact with this lovely expectant Mother. I have been able to help her understand the world of open adoption better and help her choose a plan for her baby. I have also put her in contact with 2 couples wanting to adopt and with an adoption agency in her area. This story isn't over yet though. The baby isn't due until the end of March so things are still up in the air. I am very much at peace with things and feel it an honor to get to help this young girl. I am so grateful for this experience. I know one day we will get to have our little girl. I just need to trust and be patient. Oh and listen.... sometimes thats the hardest part. I have grown a lot in the past few weeks and I look forward to seeing what may come. I have learned how important it is to pray and follow through even if its painful. Sometimes that peaceful conformation is the only thing that will get you through hard times. I've learned that when you're experiencing hard for doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do it is because it is necessary. Necessary for you to learn and grow. Not because he is just bored and picking on you. Sometimes going into hard knowing there is a purpose is reason enough to get me through it.   Thank you Heavenly Father for having my back..... again. 

Closing Infertility.... Opening Adoption

I have been asked sever times "When did you know that it was time to stop infertility treatments and start pursuing adoption?"

Every adoptive Mom you ask will have a different answer as to how they came to that point. The is no one size fits all answer. So as for my answer, well it didn't just come overnight. Adoption was something that I always wanted to do since I was a young child. I remember watching "The Sound of Music" (which btw is my FAVORITE movie) and thinking how wonderful it was that those kids got to have a Mother again. When I got married and was ready to start my family, Brett and I decided that we were going to have a few kids and then adopt a few. I wanted a big family... like to VonTrapps ;-) After a few years of trying to get pregnant we finally went and saw a specialist... then another.... then another. Every doctor told us the same thing...you are both perfectly healthy and we were finally diagnosed with unexplained infertility after a negative salpingogram, a painful diagnostic surgery that showed nothing, and after trying the fertility medications.  We tried a couple IUI's and spent thousands of dollars on failed procedures. Everyone tried to offer their 2 cents on what worked for them and that didn't help. (Note.... if you have a friend struggling with infertility..DON'T DO THAT!) To fill my need to nurture...we got a couple dogs and just waited for the answer to come to us.

Courtesy: Ashley Mauldin Photography

 It was devastating and while I was dying inside everyone around me was getting pregnant like nothing. I was angry, frustrated, mad at God, and felt hopeless. I felt like starting a family was a very righteous desire so I didn't know why I was being "punished". I still to this day don't know medically why we are unable to have any children. Brett and I saved up enough money to try the in-vitro route, met with a different fertility specialist, and set a date to do in-vitro. When the day came to start the drugs to get my eggs ready for harvest, I just felt sick inside about doing it. I just felt like this was all wrong. So we rescheduled for the following month and when that day came that sick feeling came back. My mom flew in from out of state to be with me and still I couldn't go through with it. Everyone told me I just had cold feet and to just go through with it but deep down inside I felt like it was all wrong. I prayed and prayed and questioned God as to why I felt this way. I didn't want this anymore. It didn't make any sense to me.  Earlier that day my cousin brought over a little girl that she nannied. She was adopted. I looked at this little girl and thought to my self how lucky she was to have the life she does. She was born in Mexico (I think) and could of had a totally different life if she hadn't been placed for adoption. That whole day I kept thinking about her but the biggest factor that got me thinking about adoption was this: What is more important to me.... being pregnant or being a Mother?I wanted to be a Mother more than anything else in the world. 

Courtesy: Facebook/ Open Adoption, Open Heart 

I was ready and wanting to pursue the adoption route but I didn't even know where to begin. I knew it would take effort and more waiting but I was willing to wait.  The day I canceled the appt for invitro the second time I started looking whole heartedly into adoption. THAT was what felt right to me. THAT was what made sense to me. I didn't feel forced or pushed into this. It was not my last option, it was my destiny. It took me a long time to realize that infertility is not a punishment. It was a blessing in disguise for us. My body was designed this way for a reason. My body was designed for Lauren (Sawyer's Birth Mom) and Amy ( Jamison's birth mom.) When Sawyer was 18 months old we felt a strong feeling that we needed to get our profile in and adopt another baby. 3 months later we were chosen by Jamison's birth mother to be his parents.

If you are struggling right now with trying what to do next....I know right now is hard. It's painful, embarrassing, isolating, and super frustrating. Adoption took time to come into my mind. It takes courage and faith... lots of it!  In my infertility journey, adoption was something that was always in the back of my mind but fear got the best of me. Seeing others get pregnant so easily made me think that I could become a Mom as easy as they did if I tried harder or was a little more valiant. I was afraid of adoption and the unknowns. I didn't think I was grown up enough or rich enough to handle adoption. I didn't know if I would be able to love a child as my own that I didn't give birth too. Once I dug deeper and got over the fallacies of it all, everything feel into place. It was the right path. I can honestly tell you that YES you WILL love adopted children as if you gave birth to them.... as if they were your own.  My boys are mine. Even though I do have open adoptions (meaning I keep in contact with their birth families) I am their Mother and they are my sons. Adoption is not as scary as you think. It is actually a very beautiful thing and quite amazing!! 

Adoption is one of the hardest commitments you will ever make. You have to go into it knowing you WANT this.... not that you are out of options. It will be an emotional roller coaster but a well worth it ride in the end. 

  

Sawyer (3) & Jamison (1)

We FINALIZED our ADOPTION :-)

Its been forever since I last posted on here. I am making it a point now to be more dedicated to this blog. There are so many updates to share! The most important on being that we finalized Jamisons adoption!! I made this sweet video for him. It is a must watch:



We have also moved to LOUISIANA!!! Woo HOo!! Ill catch up with more updates another time but for now I just wanted to share this video with you :-) I love adoption and the many blessings that come from it.

Open Adoption#2- Meet Jamison!

Our family has grown!!! December 17, 2011 our new little guy entered the world. Sorry its taken me so long to update our blog. We have been super busy adjusting to our new life and we wanted to just enjoy Jamison to the fullest :-) We documented our adoption journey while we were in Utah waiting for his arrival. Some parts are pretty emotional :-( Adoption is just super emotional. I don't know what I would have done without my "adoption doulas" supporting me along the way. Her is how it went :-)
Day 1- Jamison is Born!!!

Day 2- The waiting.

Day 3- Placement Day

Bringing Jamison Home :-)


Before Jamison was born, I thought adoption would be easier this time due to the fact that I have already been down the adoption road before. However, it was just as hard if not harder. There were times of joy and pain, smiles and tears, and lots and lots of guilt. As the adoptive parents you feel like the bad guy. You blame yourself for the pain you see your babys birth family in. I knew I felt pain but it didn't even come close to the amount of pain his Birthmom was feeling. We love her so much. We are so incredibly grateful for her and we think of her every single day. I wonder how she is doing and if she is at peace with her decision. Does she still "hate" us? Her and I are friends on facebook so I can see her living her life again. I love seeing pictures of her having fun and enjoying things she loves. I am grateful that she allows us to be a part of her life. Open adoption is so amazing!!!

Jamison is now 8 weeks old. He is doing great! He is so loved by so many people. I talk to his Amazing Birthmom often and she is doing well. I miss her! We are planning on going back to Utah in April to visit her.

Our First Family Photo

 I really am so so thankful!!
*I won't be posting any pictures of Jamison's Birthmom on her or saying her name until she is ready :-)

We are in UTAH!!!

We are in UTAH!! We are here from Texas awaiting our new arrival that is due any day. We were chosen to be parents to another baby boy and we are so thrilled! He is such a lucky little guy who is already so loved by so many. He has an awesome tummy Mommy and we absolutely love her! I know there are several adoptive Moms that live in Utah and I would love to meet some other adoptive Moms in the area. Ill keep you posted on baby Jamisons arrival :-)

What does Adoption Mean to.....

So I asked some of my Youtube friends to make a vlog about their thoughts on adoption in honor of Adoption Awareness Month. I loved their thoughts and I thought I would share them with you :-)

What Adoption Means to Heethe.....

Heethe is my cousin and my best buddie :-) He has gone through our adoption process with us! I love him! I was curious to hear his thoughts from a guy perspective. Esp. their thoughts on Birth Moms.

What Adoption Means to Jeni.....

She was one of Sawyer's main milk donors. She donated enough milk to last him till his first birthday :-)
What Adoption Means to Dani.....

Dani lives in Canada and we have never met in person. She is truly an amazing girl and loves adoption!
What Adoption Means to Joan.....

Joan lives in Florida and we have met in person before. Her brother was adopted and she may be adopting in the future :-)
These are just a few of the videos that were done. I have more to upload and share. I truly love and appreciate each and every one of these ladies & gentleman. Thanks Yall :-)

What does Adoption mean to YOU??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJN-BXshFQE

If you have a special place in you heart for adoption, I'd love to feature your story on my Youtube blog. Please let me know if you will be willing to share your story!
Thank you,
Candace

One Month Later

Sawyer is now 1 month old! Wow, the time has flown by sooo fast. The first couple of weeks we realized how little we really did know about not only babies but also emotions that come with adoption. I have nothing to compare Sawyer to in reguards to how a baby should act but I have been told by many people how lucky I am to have such a good baby. He rarely cries and sleeps long through the night. He can already hold his own bottle at times and he has a great attention span. He also is such a good eater and just loves the breastmilk. He eats a lot! He's growing so fast and gaining weight. He's getting a double chin : ) He still is on a breastmilk only diet. Lucy has donated more breastmilk to him and I am sooo extremely grateful for her caring service to Sawyer. It has made a huge difference. Sawyer also has some colostrum donated by another donor from Reno, Nevada. Jeni had some colostrum saved up that she hadn't used for months and didn't quite know why she felt so compeled to keep it. When she heard about Lucy and Sawyer, she offered him some milk also. She felt this was the reason she felt like she needed to keep that milk for some reason. She was so sweet and 2-day shipped it to me just in time for Sawyer to have it for his first meal at home.

Sawyer's birthmom Lauren and I still keep in contact often. I have sent her pictures and a dvd of Sawyer's birth. I upload videos for her on YT so she can see how he is doing as often as she would like. She hasn't seen him since we took him home but the day will come when everyones ready to see each other.
One thing I didn't expect when I took Sawyer home was all the emotions I experienced this past month. I know what I am about to share is personal but I think it is important for people to know that are also choosing the adoption route. The first week was the hardest. I was so full of guilt. I knew Sawyer's birth family was hurting and I felt like it in some way was all my fault. I felt like the bad guy. I had this beautiful baby in my arms that I absoultly loved and I knew that could have never been if it wasn't for Sawyer's wonderful birth parents that were hurting so badly. It just didn't seem fair. I love Lauren and Jason so much and I just wanted to take them home with me. The next feelings I felt were jealously. I was so jealous of Lauren and Jason. I wish I could have given birth to my baby so bad. Everytime I looked at Sawyer, I saw their faces and not ours. He has their hands, not ours. He has their toes, not ours. I admit, it was even hard for me to give Lauren updates a little bit. It was hard trying to feel like "Mom" when I was often reminded that I wasn't his real "Mom". I didn't know anyone that had been in my shoes and had also done an open adoption that I could talk to so I felt so horrible for having these feelings. I felt like if I said anything to anyone that it would make me look ungrateful and I was so far from being ungrateful. I felt these feelings beating me down and making it hard for me to bond with my baby. Then one day one of the social workers came over and I just unloaded my feelings on him. He told me that all these feelings were COMPLETELY normal. I felt so relieved. He assured me that things would get better in time. The day after he left I met someone this has been in my shoes, twice. She has two adopted children that are both open adoptions. It felt so good to talk to her. We shared stories and she was a major help. She helped me see things in a different light. She told me to continue to be completely honest with Lauren and I have. She understood me so well. I love the love and relationship she has with her children's birth mother's. She said the birthmoms are like sisters or sisters-in-laws to her. I understand that love and I look forward to the day Lauren and I have that sisterly relationship.

Bonding with Sawyer was different for me. I didn't carry him for 9 months so it didn't just come the minute I held him. This may sound silly but the first real bond moment I had with him was about a week after I brought him home when I tried wearing a baby wrap someone got for me at my baby shower. I was trying it out, put him in it, and felt so close to him. I felt his little tummy move with each breath and I know he could hear my heartbeat in my chest. I felt so close to him and I didn't want to take him out of it. It was an emotion I have never felt before and I loved it. From then it just grew a little bit each day. I still put him in that wrap and just wear it around the house for no reason other than to feel close to him. I also have him sleep on my chest at night. He sleeps on Brett's chest sometimes also. It's moments like that and feelings like that that really help me feel like a mother. He is a very alert baby and he will just stare into my eyes sometimes and make me melt. He is gaining control over his head and will follow my voice when I talk to him.
Sawyer also love just being held. He cries when I lay him down so that makes me feel like he misses me. He is happy again when I pick him up and hold him in my arms. Sawyer is a special baby. He is helping me feel like a mom  more and more every day. I have realized that even though I didn't carry him for 9 months, I am still his Mom. Lauren will always be his birth mom and that makes him extra special because he has not only a mom but a birth mom too. He will always know his belly button is extra special because it was connected to Lauren's belly button.

One day I was just staring at Sawyer and I started noticing how much he does look like Brett after all. There are 6 kids in Brett's family and Brett is the only one with dark eyes. Sawyer and Brett also have similar dimples. It's wierd because Brett and Jason don't look that much alike, but Sawyer somehow resembles them both in a way. Sawyer and Brett also have the same hair color and skin tone.
My life has changed so much in the past month and I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life. My love for Sawyer and his birth family grow every day. The jealously has been replaced with more honor and more grattitude for them. I feel so lucky to have an open adoption plan. We love you Jason and Lauren : ) Oh and the dogs absolutly love him also!

Sawyer also has already been on his first road trip to Kansas for Thanksgiving. Here is the video of that.


His next adventure will be next week when we go to Nevada and Utah!
I don't know who all reads this, but feedback is much welcomed : ) I like hearing your thoughts too.

Becoming a Mommy : )

This week has been by far the most amazing week of my life. This is the week I became a mother. Not just anyones mother, Sawyer Jonus's mommy. When I decided to be a mother I never thought it would be this wonderful.

I feel extremely lucky that Sawyer's birthmom was so willing to share his birth with me. I realize that lots of adoptive mothers don't get that opportunity so I am so thankful for her. She was in labor for many hours and when the time came for Sawyer to meet the world she let me witness it. Along with me was Sawyer's birth father and his birth grandmother. I felt so helpless seeing her in pain. I wish I could have taken the pain for her so she wouldn't have to. I had tears streaming down me cheeks the whole time. When he came I went to the other side of the room to get a camera when all of a sudden I heard my name being called. I turned around to the doctor handing me a pair of scissors to cut the cord. That meant so much to me that Lauren and Jason chose me to do that. (Oh man I can't even write this without crying.) I felt so included and honored.

When I saw little Sawyer for the first time I wept. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I felt so undeserving of this little body in front of me. He had big eyes and lots of hair. He had the cutest little cry. I counted all his fingers and toes and watched the hospital staff do their job. They told his birth mom that she would get 2 bracelets that match the one on Sawyer's ankle that would give people total access to him. One was for her and the other was for someone else. She gave it to me. The fact that she would give it to me was so sweet. I was honored to wear it. I watched them weigh and measure him and takes his little footprints. He didn't cry much but his big eyes wandered everywhere. He was curoius to see his new surroundings.

Lauren held him first, then Jason, then me. When Lauren held him you could she in her eyes how proud she was. I watched how she looked at him and I could feel the love she felt for him so strongly. Her smile was so big.

It was also beautiful watching Jason hold him. I could see how proud he was also. Sawyer looks so much like him so I wonder if it was like looking at a mini him when he held him. I was fillming all of this so Sawyer can see it for himself someday. I want him to see and know the love his birth parents have for him always.

 When it was time for me to hold him, I just balled my eyes out. He was absolutly precious in every way. I experienced a new kind of love that I had never experienced. My heart was so full of love and I thought it was going to explode. I was holding an answer to thousands of prayers and an end to all my pain and suffering. I was holding the future and that sad past had just been washed away in an instant. He was so worth the wait. He looked at me with those big brown eyes and I felt his love. I felt his trust in me to take care of him and love forever. While holding him everything just made sense...finally. It was clear to me that this is the way it was supposed to be all along. Lauren and  Jason are such wonderful people I wouldn't doubt if they agreed to do this for us in our pre-existance. They gave Brett and I the gift we could not give each other. What a special gift!

 Brett held him next. He was so filled with joy. Watching him hold his son for the first time was absolutly priceless. Sawyer looked directly into Brett's eyes trying to figure out who this person was. Some of Sawyer's grandparents and Aunt passed him around nest. Everyone that held Sawyer that day felt the joy we did in different ways. Sawyer put many smiles on peoples faces that day. That room was so filled with love and a spirit I can't explain.

For the rest of that day, Brett and I left the hospital so Jason and Lauren could have some time alone with him which is perfectly understandable. That gave us a chance to do some final preparations for his arrival home. We got some little sentimental gifts for Lauren and Jason. That night Brett and I also wrote them letters. It's so hard to try to express your grattitude for something of this magnitude. Brett and I will always feel inadequate for not being able to repay them for the wonderful gift they have given to us.

The following day we went back to the hospital and we were given our own room. I got to feed little Sawyer and it felt so nice. I also got to change his poopy diaper which wasn't so nice! Lauren let me make all of Sawyer's medical decisions such as vaccines, circumcision, etc. One thing that I remembered so well is when Jason let me hold Sawyer and called me his mommy. That felt so good to hear. I could also see that Lauren and Jason were genuinely happy for us. I really didn't want to cause them pain by being around them much because I thought that seeing us would be painful and a reminder of what was to come the next day. I wanted them to enjoy their time with him without us being a distraction. However, I was wrong. They were happy and supporative for us. They liked seeing Sawyer with us. That meant a lot to us. That night Brett and I spent a lot of time with Jason and Lauren alone. I loved that. We talked for hours and just got to really know each other better. We read them our letters and just could feel that they were as grateful for us as we were for them. We talked about the future and hopes for Sawyer. Jason has a love for cooking and has agreed to make Sawyer his first birthday cake. We could not have asked for more perfect birth parents.

On the last day, Sawyer's Aunte Ana brought him a cake and we celebrated Sawyers arrival. We had some friends come and take some cute pictures. As the day went on I could sense sadness coming. Brett and I went to our room and gave them some alone time with Sawyer. While we were in our room I just started crying so hard. I have felt a lot of pain in my life. Having my father die wasn't easy by any means but somehow this was just as painful. I can honestly say I have never in my life felt pain so strongly for another human being. I just knew how hard this had to be for Lauren and Jason and the thought of them hurting was killing me inside. They aren't just Sawyer's birthparents, they are 2 people that we love and respect so much. I had already seen Lauren in so much pain in childbirth and I knew her signing the adoption papers would be more pain. I didn't want her to have anymore pain. I know that she did it all out of love for Sawyer. The love she has for him is so strong and unbreakable. Not many mothers and fathers would do that for their child. I was feeling so guilty, like I was the cause of their pain. I love Sawyer's whole package and that includes the people that gave him life yet I felt like I was the one causing their pain. I was going to get to finally be the happiest I have ever been but at the expense of someone elses happiness. It just didn't seem fair. I talked to the social worker at the hospital and she told me that all those feeling I had were totally normal.

When the time came for me and Brett to sign the papers, we had been told by the social worker that Lauren and Jason could either leave the baby in the nursery and leave the hospital or bring him to us personally. Shortly after we signed them, Lauren, Jason, and Lauren's mother came to our room to bring baby Sawyer. I knew they wouldn't just leave him in the nursery and they didn't. There were lots of tears but no good-byes, just see-ya laters. Lauren picked him up out of his bassinet, her and Jason kissed him, and then handed him to me with tears in their eyes. When they handed him to me I was so overwhelmed with grattitude. I thought back through the past few days and was so grateful for the whole experience. They didn't have to let me in the room for Sawyer's birth, but they did. They didn't have to let me cut the cord, but they did. They didn't have to give me a baby armband, but they did. They were so unselfish through this whole experience and I can't thank them enough.

It's been 5 days since Sawyer's arrival and he is home with us. Brett is holding him right now and we finally feel like a family. Sawyer is the most loved and wanted baby in the whole world. We sometimes just stare at him in unbelief that he is actually here with us. We love this little guy so much and want to cherish every moment. I film everything so I can always remember it and share it with Lauren and Jason. We love it when he smiles at us and when he sleeps. We love feeding him and yes we even love the poopie diapers. We love his hair and his little button nose. We love his long toes and his cute little hands. When I hold him I like him to hold onto my pinkie finger.

I am so grateful for adoption and all the love and support from everyone. Through this whole process there was conformation after conformation that this was the right path for us. I have learned so much from this about love, life, compassion, forgivness, selflessness, and faith. I know the best way we can pay Lauren and Jason back for this selfless act is to raise Sawyer to be a wonderful young man and make them proud. We will try our absolute best. I love you Lauren and Jason. Thanks for taking the road less traveled with us.

If you would like to see Sawyer's story from his birth parents side here it is. Leave them some good comments : )
http://www.adoptionadventuresjl.blogspot.com/

Adoption is all about love.

The day finally came and I thought it never would. I am going to try to answer all the questions I've been asked over these past few days the best I can. First off I want everyone to know the purpose of this blog is to educate people on the wonderfulness of adoption. Sawyer's birth mom and I feel very passionately that God has led us to each other for many reasons and one being to share our experience with others that may have misunderstandings or negative views of adoption. My blog is open to the world and we hope that maybe we can help a young girl who may be contemplating abortion because she feels there are no other options for her. We figure if we can save at least one babies life, then all this is worth it.

Adoption is all about love. Adoption is also not how it used to be. Lauren and I have decided to do an open adoption over a closed one. The adoption agency we worked through are doing less and less closed adoptions because they found open adoptions to be more beneficial to everyone involved. Closed adoption is when the birth parents sign over their rights with out every meeting their childs new adopted parents and agree to never see the child again. Open adoption is a plan in which the birth parents and adopted parents form a relationship and the birth parents will still be in the childs life. They may not see the child every day but they will get updates, pictures, and videos often and even see the child every now and then. The amount of contact between all the parents is established by them and based on what feels comfortable for everyone. Open adoption has been proven beneficial to help the birth parents and the child because it doesn't leave anybody wondering what if or why and provides closure.
Brett and I wanted to do an open adoption from the very beginning of our journey. We didn't want our child to have any question of why he was placed for adoption or wonder what his birth parents were like. We wanted him to have closure and peace of mind getting answers to all his questions. We attended an adoption conference recently that had a panel of birth mom tell their experiences. All of them did an open adoption and all of them were very much at peace with their decision and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I asked some of them if they regretted their decision and all of them quickly responded 'No, not at all." They knew they couldn't raise their baby they would have liked to and they wanted a better life for their baby. One girl knew that in order for her to raise her child she would have to put her child in day care all day so she could work to support her. The thought of that sickened her. She wanted her child to be raised by 2 loving parents that would give her baby the life he/she deserved. Some people view adoption as an easy way out but in reality it isn't at all.
In order to adopt a child, potential adoptive parents have to be thoroughly interviewed by social workers, have a home study, background checks, FBI fingerprinted, complete medical screening, adoptive parenting conferences,etc. Not just anyone is a good candidate to adopt a child. Brett and I spent about a month filling out paperwork and doing our screenings. They not only want to know about your life but all of your extended families lives also. Another thing you have to do is to create a profile for birthmothers to see. I didn't have to make one because I already knew my birthmother and so it wasn't necessary. Once the adoptive parents are chosen and the birth parents relinquish their rights, the adoptive parents still don't get parental rights. When Lauren and Jason signed over their rights, they signed Sawyer over to the agency. Brett and I are on probation for 6 months after the papers are signed. The agency will come do several check on us to make sure we are bonding with Sawyer and everything is going ok. After 6 months, Brett and I will hire an attorney to finalize the adoption in court and the agency will sign Sawyer over to us. That will be when we can get his name changed and get his social security number and such. Many people have asked me how much everything costs. It all depends on the agency and race of child you are wanting to adopt. I know that sounds crazy. At some agencies, sawyer would have cost anywhere from 30-45 thousand dollars. The agency we used was one a non-profit agency through our church so we were able to get it for a lot less expensive. Since our church does not have a paid ministry, all the tithes goes directly to building churches, helping the needy, adoptions, etc. The fee for our adoption was 10% of our previous years gross earnings and no greater than $10,000. So, even if your a billionaire, the adoption would only cost $10,000 max. The agency pays for all of Laurens medical bills, hospital stay, ect. Anything that has to do with her and the baby they will pay for. If there are complication with the baby after he is born before Lauren relinquished her rights, the adoption agency would pay for his bills; thank goodness he was so healthy : ) Some baby's have cost the agency many many thousands of dollars. If a birthmother changes her mind and decided to parent the child, she would not have to repay the agency a dime. They also provide birthmothers with attorneys if they want one when signing papers free of charge. The birth parents have to wait 48 hours after birth before they can relinquish their rights but once they sign the papers, there is no turning back.
I will write a new blog soon about our hospital experience. It was so spiritually beautiful. I discovered a new type of love for so many people. Keep your comments and questions coming. I will be glad to answer them. Now my son is waking up and needs his momma : )

Getting ready for his big arrival : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z35SDi4jTgg

Anytime now : )

Here he is. He is almost ready to meet the world. I guess he didn't want to be a halloween baby afterall. My guess is that he will come on the 3rd of November. Sawyer's birthmother is going to pop if he stays in there much longer : )She has another doctor's appt. monday. Hopefully he will have some good news for everyone.

Lacii Smith and Shadi Smith threw me a  baby shower last weekend and Sawyer got lots of great stuff. Here was the yummy yummy cake. Leslie and Lindsey did a great job designing and decorating it. I will post more pictures of the shower later.