The Hardest "NO" Ever

I've debated on whether or not I would share this post or not considering there still isn't an ending and considering at any moment things could change. However through this experience I have gained so much peace and understand that otherwise I may have never fully understood. Thank you Heavenly Father for this experience.

Ill start from the beginning. It was late one night when I got a phone call from a friend asking if Brett and I were wanting to adopt another baby. A baby Girl!! My first thoughts were YES! YES! YES!! Brett was still at work so I told my friend I would discuss it with Brett and get back with her on a solid answer. I asked my friend lots of questions about this expectant Mom and her unborn baby girl. Everything sounded great!! The expectant Mom even looked like me with blonde hair and blue eyes.  I was so honored and flattered that she would even consider us. 

Things like this don't just happen every day. A baby out of no where, "falling in your lap". Those who have been on the adoptive parents end of adoption know this to be true. It's a process to adopt a child and for some people, they have to wait for YEARS for their children to come. How lucky are we? 

As excited as we were at the thought of a new baby joining our family, we still felt the importance of asking God if this baby was meant to come to our family. Adoption is hard. Very hard. You experience a lot of emotions that you have never felt before. When we adopted our boys we prayed a lot. One thing that gets you through the waiting and through the hard is trusting God enough to know he knows best.

 When we adopted Sawyer I was a mess those few months before he was born. I knew at any moment his Birth Parents could change their mind and choose to parent him. I had built a relationship with them and loved them enough to be fully be supportive of their decision if they chose to parent. I was new to adoption then. I had never met another person that was in an open adoption so for a good part of Sawyer's adoption Brett and I were alone in the process.  I had to trust heavily that Heavenly Father would carry us.  That he would guide us and direct us to follow through with what may come. I knew that if they chose to parent that it would be ok. That it wasn't a punishment it was the plan. As I strengthened my relationship with God during this time my heart became more at peace and I had more faith in his plan. It did me no good to worry. When the time came to sign placement papers, I sobbed. I ached for Sawyer's Birth Parents. They had just given us the greatest miracle of our lives but it came at the expense of a huge loss for them. It was the happiest sad time of my life. I will never forget that day and I am glad I never will.  I learned some new ways to love and trust. They taught me more than they will ever know. Its been over 3 years now and we still have an open adoption. I love them so so SOO dearly. 

When we started the process of adopting baby # 2 we came at it with a different approach.  Sawyer's adoption was so beautifully done that their was no doubt in our mind that Heavenly Father had his hand in everything. The lessons we learned in Sawyer's adoption process made us more at ease with Jamison's adoption. When our profile was turned in, we waited. But this time we didn't stress. We knew that our baby would come to us on the Lord's timing.... not ours. To our surprise we were contacted within a few months by a few different expectant Moms. Some we heard from only once and others just didn't work out. However when Jamison's Birth Mom contacted us it just felt right. We corresponded back and forth for a few weeks until we finally met in person. It just so happened that we had already planned a vacation in the very state she lived in. As we corresponded I was a little nervous to pray about her out of fear that maybe I wouldn't get the answer I was hoping for. However I knew it was important and did it anyways. Never in my life had I felt so sure about something as I did about this after I prayed. God heard my prayers and eased my mind of every single doubt I had. I didn't worry at all which was so weird because with Sawyer I worried a lot. The difference.... back then I didn't have the trust in God's plan that I needed. Sawyer's adoption taught me that. I even remember while waiting for Jamison to arrive thinking "Candace... You NEED to REMEMBER this. Your NEED to REMEMBER how sure you are of him and his Birth Mother. REMEMBER, REMEMBER, REMEMBER!" At times I would even think if I was just being cocky or arrogent or to sure of myself. Nope. I had that strong feeling for a reason. I knew I needed to remember this especially if times got hard so I wouldn't doubt. I was right. When Jamison was born things got rough quickly. Long story short, he had severe colic for 10 months straight. The relationship between his Birth Mother and I was a rocky one. It was so hard. Bonding with Jamison was hard. I felt like he hated me. I felt like his Birth Mother hated me. Many times I questioned the Lord as to why things were going this way. Why did everything go so wrong all the time. However each time I consulted with the Lord I always came back to REMEMBERING that conformation I had about them in the beginning. I needed to hang on that to carry me through the hard. Remembering gave me hope and trust in his plan. He is now 14 months old and things are great! I feel very bonded with him and I feel closer to his dear Birth Mother more now than I have ever been :-) 

Ok now back to were I was going with all of this. For us, praying about things are a must. Especially the big things..... life changing events, etc.  When we discussed the possibility of adopting a sweet little baby girl we knew it would be some work (3 kids 3 and under) but we could make it happen if it was the plan. People do it all the time. We were so excited about the possibilites to come, however, we knew we needed to consult with the Lord before we did anything. So Brett and I did just that. We fasted and prayed and to our surprise we didn't get the answer we were hoping for. As much as we wanted this little girl..... and trust me it was a LOT..... the answer as No. There was no peaceful conformation that she was ever meant to be ours. I sobbed for days. I begged and pleaded for this baby to be ours and the answer was still no. The only peace that came to my heart was the idea that she was someone else's baby and maybe I was just another avenue for this baby to arrive to her Mommy and Daddy. For days I questioned, doubted, pleaded, and sobbed. It was so painful to turn down this beautiful opportunity. It is so hard to put our own wants aside when we want something so badly. I am amazed at the strength of our boys Birth Parents. They did just that.... put their own wants aside for the sake of their child. I know these are different situations but I do feel even more love and appreciation for them because of this trial I just experienced. I questioned if we did the right thing or if we just turned down our daughter. Would we regret this down the road? Would this have been our only opportunity to adopt a baby girl? These questions consumed me deeply. I prayed for comfort at this time. I prayed for a miracle to happen to help me know we did the right thing. So I am not left wondering and that I can be at peace with all of this.  Guess what.... it did. That night some sister missionaries came to my home and asked if they could leave me with a spiritual thought. They read me a scripture that said " for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask him." Then they asked me if I recently had been in a situation where I questioned whether I felt God knew the needs of my heart. I just started sobbing again. I told them the situation and they tearfully told me that they knew I did the right thing. The spirit was so strong. They had felt inspired to come share that with me and I am so glad they did.  They really are messengers of God and were another answer to my prayers. 

It's been a few weeks now and I have kept in contact with this lovely expectant Mother. I have been able to help her understand the world of open adoption better and help her choose a plan for her baby. I have also put her in contact with 2 couples wanting to adopt and with an adoption agency in her area. This story isn't over yet though. The baby isn't due until the end of March so things are still up in the air. I am very much at peace with things and feel it an honor to get to help this young girl. I am so grateful for this experience. I know one day we will get to have our little girl. I just need to trust and be patient. Oh and listen.... sometimes thats the hardest part. I have grown a lot in the past few weeks and I look forward to seeing what may come. I have learned how important it is to pray and follow through even if its painful. Sometimes that peaceful conformation is the only thing that will get you through hard times. I've learned that when you're experiencing hard for doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do it is because it is necessary. Necessary for you to learn and grow. Not because he is just bored and picking on you. Sometimes going into hard knowing there is a purpose is reason enough to get me through it.   Thank you Heavenly Father for having my back..... again.