1). Couples who deal with infertility are seeing specialist including doctors. I think something that can become very frustrating is when EVERYONE has a solution to an easy conception or on how to deal with it. If advice is asked for, then that is different. I think the safest route is to not offer advice unless it has been asked for. There are other ways to support your friends… by listening, offering a hug, asking how they are doing and realizing that they may need some space at times. Don’t be offended if they just can’t talk about it at that point. They may be at a point where they are trying to still internalize their situation. Now I want to incorporate a list of things not to say. Please keep in mind that every infertile couple has their limits and will feel pain with different comments.
Here are a couple things you should not say to an infertile couple:
*Why haven’t you started your family yet?
*Just change your diet and you will get pregnant.
* You should do this fast or that cleanse.
*You should stop worrying about it then it will happen.
*Have you tried praying about it?
* You should stand on your head after intercourse.
*You should enjoy this time alone as a couple, because once kids come along it changes your whole marriage.
*Oh don’t worry about it, you are still so young.
*You think your busy now, wait until you have kids.
*You’ll understand when you have kids.
*And with certain infertility medications your weight will fluctuate, and I personally have had people comment on me gaining weight. This is not something you should add to a infertile couple.
*Also it is good to realize that infertile couples go through grieving periods which may consist of; anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, guilt (for adoptive couples), pain, confusion, anxiety/panic, depression, preoccupation, loneliness, despair, helplessness, envy, and some may even feel bitterness. These are all normal feelings. Allow them time to work through these emotions without passing judgment on them. Most couples will experience a variety of emotions all at the same time including the above emotions along with-hopeful, excitement, peace, anticipation etc… It definitely is a roller coaster. Try to be patient.
Here are things you should not say to an adopting couple:
* I am excited for you to adopt, but I am still sad you won’t get to feel the baby growing inside you.
*Adoption is almost as exciting as having your own. (To us it is just as exciting, or even more so because we have had to wait so long and the spiritual aspects that come through adoption are amazing!)
*What if you get an ugly kid?
*Everyone offers the scares of open adoption. (We are continually educated on the risks of adoption)
*Don’t assume that birth mothers are on drugs or are questionable individuals.
*Where is your baby’s real mom? (I am his real Mom)
*Lucky you, you won’t have to worry about the recovery time. You will just get to take the kid home and move on. (There are many emotions that a couple has to work through after the miracle babies arrive)
*Try not to ask this question too often: Do you think she (Birth mom) will change her mind? It is always a fear, but something adoptive couples shouldn’t dwell on. We know the risk when we decide on adoption. Now realize this one is case by case. If you are close friends, this may be an o.k. question.
