My bestie Jammie Elkins made this awesome new header for our YouTube Channel :-) I love it!! Can you guess who is who???? 
Hint: Amy, Candace, Jamison, Brett, Sawyer, Lauren, and Jason. 

Best Book Ever!

We have a FAVORITE book in our home.... Shel Silverstein's 

"The Giving Tree"

It was one of my favorites as a child and now it is one of the boys favorites. It's about a tree that kind of "adopts" a little boy & loves this little boy so so much. So much in fact that she would do anything for him even if it meant sacrificing herself. 

I liken this book in many ways to my boys and their Birth Families. 

They too have Mothers and Fathers that love very much. Their Birth Parents sacrificed their own hearts so their sons could have a better life than what they could provide at the time. This book has been a great resource in helping our sons to understand unconditional love and sacrifice. I highly recommend it for anybody....especially if you have been blessed somehow with adoption. 

 Love, Candace

We Found a Waterfall!

There is a place not far from us called Burrville Cider Mill and today we thought we would check it out. The Cider Mill is closed for the season but we can't WAIT for it to open. We have heard it is the best cider we will ever have. YUMMY!!!

Keeping me warm with his delicious snuggles. 

Sawyer using his Handy Dandy Binoculars

Not Ashamed of My Story

This week is National Infertility Awareness week. I was thinking back to when we were trying so hard to conceive a child. It started as a very exciting time in our life and then gradually became a very dark & lonely part of our life.  After about 2 years of trying to get pregnant we started to see doctors. Previous to this, we were not shy about telling others that we were hoping to get pregnant soon. I tracked my temperature, charted, peed on numerous ovulation strips, ate healthy, lived healthy, and did everything I was supposed to do to try to get pregnant. As time went on and literally EVERY one of my friends got pregnant I felt myself slipping away. I couldn't help but ask myself, "What are we doing wrong?!?! When it is our turn?!?" It started to become a painful thing and I hid it from everyone. Few knew we started seeing not one but 2 infertility specialist. Few knew we had several fail procedures that were supposed to increase our chances of getting pregnant and didn't. Few knew I endured a very painful surgery, radiologic procedures, and took several infertility drugs with no success. Same outcome/ diagnosis every time.... "you have unexplained infertility" meaning, everything looks fine....nobody knows why we aren't getting pregnant. 
It was a hard time for us to endure alone. I told my Mother and a VERY few VERY close friends but that is it. They tried their best to help but having not experienced this type of pain, they just didn't get it. I think back now and wonder why. Why was I so ashamed of this trial? I think some of it was not wanting pity from others. I didn't want my pain to be talked about. I didn't want others to see me "broken" as that was how I saw myself....broken. My body had failed me and there was nothing I could do. I tried to push past it but when 2 years of trying turns into 6 years of trying that is a long time to let pain push you down. By then I had unintentionally isolated myself from almost everyone by letting the pain win. I couldn't hid the pain anymore. 
 Also during this time I had absolutely nobody to turn to. As far as I knew, I was the only one struggling with this long battle. Infertility just isn't something I wanted to talk about with people. It's something so intimate and personal so I felt embarrassed to talk about it.
After being married as long as we had and still not having kids, EVERYONE felt like they needed to ask us why. It is such a personal question so I just did what was easiest and just lied. "Oh I want to finish school", or "we aren't ready, etc." I hated lying. I'm not a liar but for this I made an exception. It was just easier to lie than to tell them my 500 page unexplained health history to try to fulfill their curiosity. DO NOT ASK SOMEONE WHY THEY DON'T HAVE KIDS. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. (If you would like tips on how to help your friend or family struggling with infertility or how to be supportive if they are trying to adopt click HERE. )

My infertility secret came out when we adopted our kids. How? Well most people don't just adopt kids right of the bat. Infertility usually is a precursor to adoption. For us adoption wasn't our plan B, it was just the plan that was MEANT to be. It just took us a while to find that road. What also happened when it came out was that women started coming to me in confidence with their own infertility struggles. I became a safe place for them because they knew I had traveled the hard road of infertility. I knew their pain and sometimes that is all you need.... someones who's been there. 

For me, adoption made sense of my infertility. I truly believe my body was designed this way for a reason.... for my boys, and for their Birth Mommas. Had my body worked properly our family would be totally different. Who we are as a family would be different. I am SO proud to be a Mother by Adoption and every painful second I endured to get here was worth it. After we adopted Sawyer, I was no longer ashamed of my infertility. Infertility is part of my story that led me to Sawyer & Jamison so how could I be ashamed of that? 
It has been almost 11 years now and yes I still struggle with infertility at times. However now, I am not ashamed of it. I never thought something so ugly and painful could bring forth so much goodness to myself and those around me. The struggle is usually triggered by various things which I talked about HERE, but the length of time it affects me is nothing compared to how it used to be. Also talking about it actually helps!
If you are currently struggling with infertility, I am here. I know your battle. I know what those tears taste like. Vent to me, cry to me, and I WILL help you through this. You do not have to go through it alone like I did. Let me continue to make sense of my infertility by helping you with yours. If you're not ready to reach out quite yet, remember this.... 

• You are not "broken" the way you might think.
• God is not punishing you. He is not bored and just picking on you either. That is not how he works. He has a plan for you.
• One day all of this pain will make sense.
• Don't forget you're human. It's ok to have a meltdown, just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and recharge. 
• Unexplained infertility (what I have) may leave you struggling with closure since you have no answers. Therefore you may find yourself stuck somewhere in the grieving process.
• Infertility is an emotional cycle. It's normal to have emotions all over the place!
• You ARE doing enough. 
• Talk to someone who gets it. 
• Pray. Satan tries to limit your praying because your praying will limit him. 
• Re-Evaluate. How open is your mind to other options? 
• Sometimes infertility can be your refiners fire so stay close to the Lord no matter how mad you get at him. 
• Yes... it does feel unfair at times. 
• Never postpone a prompting. 

I hope this helps. It is not something to be ashamed of. I don't know why some struggle with infertility and others don't. One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. 

Easter 2014

Easter with Us! 2014

This year the boys got a surprise from the Easter Bunny the night before Easter. When we were having dinner we got a mysterious knock at the door and found these packages!

They got Easter PJ's!

 It was to cold to hunt eggs outside so Brett and I hid them in the house the night before. Sawyer woke us up the millisecond the sun came up and was so excited to find these treasures. 

 I didn't take any pictures of their baskets but they also got these cool lawn chairs. 

 And Bubbles!!

 Didn't take long to get a few stains. Boys will be boys!

 Why pop bubbles with you hands when you can use a stick?

 Our little tree hugger :-)

 and KISSER!! He loves the earth XOXO

Such a HANDSOME little Man!

I Want Them There

  A few months ago, I attended an Eagle Scout Court of Honor for my nephew. It was a lovely ceremony surrounded by family, friends, and those who have played a special role in my nephew's life. As part of the ceremony, the new Eagle Scout pins a pin on his Mother as a token of thanks for all she has done to help him achieve this highest scout honor. It was so very touching to my heart. After the ceremony was over, I shared with a woman that when my boys were older and we were at their Eagle Scout ceremony, that I would hope that they could have 2 pins for when its time to pin their Mother.... One for me and one for their Birth Mothers. I was very taken back when this woman openly disagreed with this idea. She told me "no... they aren't the ones who will have driven them to all of their meetings, helped with their service projects, etc. That honor is reserved only for you." I was speechless. I found it incredibly insulting to my boys' Birth Mothers and how she so quickly tried to dismiss the idea of something that was so sacred to me. How could she downplay their important roles like that?!?! After Brett and I got in the car, I vented to him my frustration and we both felt the same way. We tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was trying to be "helpful" by maybe helping me see that I don't HAVE to share that honor nor should I feel obligated to or whatever.  Whatever she meant by it though.... struck a nerve. 

As a woman who struggles with unexplained infertility there will always be plenty of moments that I will miss out on. I most likely will never see a positive pregnancy test, never go to an ultrasound, never creatively tell my husband in some awesome way "I'm Pregnant", never celebrate a gender reveal, never experience labor, breastfeeding, swollen ankles, never see what a child of mine and Brett's genetics would look like, etc. Often times my infertility sadness triggers are caused by seeing others who do get these things. Even though I am happy for them, it is still sad at times because it is just a reminder of what I am missing out on. Things that I have absolutely no control over. This missing out list could have been a lot longer had it not been for our amazing Birth Parents. 

When our son's Birth Parents placed their perfect little boys in our arms, they gave us more than just a child. They gave us first steps, winning soccer goals, hand picked flowers, art for the refrigerator, insanely loud giggles, snuggles, messy sticky kisses and so so much more. They gave me Motherhood & Brett Fatherhood. 

I love our boys Birth Parents so so much. I want them there always. I may not be able to control what I miss out on but I can control what they, their Birth Parents, miss out on. I want them there for sports games, school plays, birthday parties, graduations, baptisms, mission farewells, homecomings, and yes... even Eagle Scout Ceremonies....especially when they pin their Mothers. I know living far away from them makes coming to these things a little more difficult but it doesn't mean that I don't wish they could be there. I always think of them in my moments of proudness for our boys. I send them lots of pictures so they can enjoy it with us even though they are far away. I don't feel like I have to share nor do I feel obligated to share at all. It's a choice I made and I whole-heartedly want to share these moments with them. They shared Motherhood with me and I gladly will share Motherhood with them right back. Without them, there would have been nothing to celebrate, and my missing out list would have never ended. 

I know this may not be ideal for everyone.... but for us, it is. I don't feel like I'm loosing out on anything by sharing happy times with them. Sharing doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your joy. Sharing is just making more room for the joy to be spread. It's ok to share your happiness. Just as every adoption is different... so is everyones level of comfort when it comes to sharing. There are some Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents that would rather not have these moments shared with them. That's ok too! Some situations aren't healthy for sharing and would not be in the best interest of the child involved. If I felt even the slightest bit that there would be harm in sharing I wouldn't do it. Luckily, there is no harm in our triads. 

Jason, Lauren, & Amy.... If you read this, know that your presence will always be wanted there. I want to settle any confusion right now and tell you that when we invite you, we genuinely WANT you there. The boys want you there and your families are wanted there too. You will not be the elephant in the room nor in the way in the least bit. I know we live far apart so coming to everything would be difficult, but just know in those moments, we do think of you and our hearts flood with gratitude. For had it not been for you there would be no happiness to celebrate. 
Heart & Soul... Candace

We Bought a HOUSE!

We bought a house yall!! After a lot of thought and prayer we made the decision to purchase an amazing house! WE ARE IN LOVE with this house :-) When we first moved to New York we had a very rough start. Bad thing after bad thing kept happening. We also chose to move here the absolute WORST time of the year in the middle of a crazy blizzard. We looked for houses a bit then but with this bad case of bad luck we were having second thoughts about being here. We had several "Why the heck are we here?" moments. We barely unpacked just in case we decided to move somewhere else....like out of state where it was warmer. Until we could make a definite decision, we just unpacked the bare necessities so as to make the next move a little easier.  
While all this is going on we also felt prompted to start the adoption process again. However part of the adoption process includes a home study. Right now our rental home has nothing on the walls, nothing on the shelves, and it does not feel very homey. This house is also small so there isn't much room for another little bundle of joy :-( 
As the days went by and we weren't progressing in any directions we decided it was time to make a decision. After a LOT of thought and prayer we just decided to open up all avenues to the Lord to work down. I know that when you pray for answers, you have to do your part. We were trying to do our part. 
We started driving all over the place. We looked on line at several realty websites to see if any homes stood out to us. We went to a bank to see if we even qualified for a home loan and we were pre-approved. Still trying to do our part and opening avenues. We called a realtor that we had called when we very first moved here that had showed us around. We really liked her and told her that if we ever felt really ready to buy we would let her know first. She already knew the type of homes we liked so she said she would try to find us some homes to see. The very next day we went and saw 3 homes. We had seen all of these homes online and they all looked nice on the outside. On the inside however one needed a LOT of work, one was too small and too much money, and the other just did not feel like home to me. Brett liked the last one (mainly because it had a very manly garage) but as hard as I tried I just wasn't feeling it. After we left the last home to head back to our home we drove past a house that we had driven by several times. I had seen the pictures online and it was beautiful inside but it only had 1& 1/2 bathrooms. Having one shower can be complicated at times. It also only had 3 bedrooms and we wanted at least 4. However every time we drove past this house we were drawn to it. 
This house was listed on a forsalebyowner website and there was no realtor therefore there was very little advertising for it on the internet. We only knew it was for sale because we had driven past it so many times and saw the tiny sign in the yard. After leaving those other homes, feeling discouraged because it seemed like buying wasn't going to work out, we drove past this home one last time and parked it. Our curiosity was getting the better of us so we decided to call the owner. She didn't answer :-( We were feeling even more discouraged now. So we called our realtor and asked her to look into this house for us. We were a little suspicious because this home had been on the market for 2 years! 
We came home and decided to give up the house hunt again for a while and re-evualaute it again in a few months. The next day was Saturday and still no word from the owner. Our realtor did do some investigating on the house though to try to see why nobody had bought this home in almost 2 years. Our realtor has lived here forever and knows everyone in this town! Turns out nobody bought this home because it had a crappy garage and only 1 main bathroom for such a big house. If people are paying all that money then want want what they pay for and don't want to settle for only 1 bathroom and a crappy garage. The house though was pretty amazing in every other way. 
The next day was Sunday and we decided to take a drive and not think about it anymore. We went to CANADA and explored the Thousand Islands area of New York. It was so beautiful and helped us see the beauty that does exist up here. That night Brett got a phone call from the owner of that mysterious home we were drawn to. Turns out she too had been in Canada that weekend and didn't have phone service. She called us the moment she got our message and we arranged to see her home the next evening. 
Our realtor met us there the next day and we looked at the home. I LOVED IT! I loved the yard, and the long driveway that the kids could ride their bikes on. I loved that it was right across the street from the golf course and I loved the way the home looked inside. It was beautiful! Oh and that crappy garage... no longer existed. They had a brand new one built. The rooms were huge and there was even a fireplace in the master bedroom! The fact still remained though.... it didn't have that 4th bedroom or a second full bathroom. Well after exploring around we found a staircase that led to the attic. The attic was huge and perfect for a 4th bedroom/ guest bedroom/ play area with just a little love. When I suggested that to our realtor she told us her husband was a contractor and could totally come turn the attic into living space. We also discovered that between 2 bedrooms there were 2 huge closest that could easily be turned into a second full bathroom. Our realtor called her husband and asked if he could come see the home and see if it was even possible to put a bathroom there. The next day he came to the house and YES it was possible and wouldn't be that hard to do. He quoted us a price for everything. Oh this home also had an unfinished basement that could be made into something awesome later on!
When our realtors husband asked who owned the home, turned out it was owned by a friend of his and it was his daughter that was living there showing us the home. He called his friend and asked what is the absolute lowest he could go on the house. They had already come down $25,000 of the price they paid so we didn't know how much wiggle room we had. What it was listed at was a little over our budget so we were hoping for a miracle. The man that owned this home was a GAZILLIONAIRE so we were hoping he would have mercy on us. When our realtors husband got off the phone with his friend he knocked another $12,800 off the price! So now it was more in our budget and we could add the bathroom! 
God was so mindful of us. He always takes care of us if we do our part. Things just worked out so smoothly once we put forth the effort. Sometimes it just happens at the 11th hour, 59th minute. We still have to have the full home inspection but we feel really good about this home. It is perfect :-)  

It's a lot bigger in person. Future Guest Room/ Play Area

 More pictures to come once we move in! Closing date June 15th!

His Parts Like Theirs

I just love everything about this picture. Sawyer's Birth Parents made him a scrapbook when he was born and this is a page from the book. The side says :"Your Parts Of Us". He does have their super amazing good looks all the way! Sawyer loves this book and looks at it often. So do I! I miss them so bad. We can't wait to see them again :-)

30 with BRACES :-(

I'm 30 with braces. I just feel weird and waaaayyy to old to have braces! This is my 2nd time to have braces! The first time was when I was in junior high through most of high school. I had built in retainers and one popped out when I was in a foreign country. By the time I came back to America it was to late.... the teeth were crazy again :-/  Soooo here I am... again... rockin braces as cool as I can ;-) They are 6 month braces and clear so they aren't half as bad as last time. Back in the day I had the whole mouth package.... head piece, rubber bands, expander, and big shiny braces! I'm still super grateful that I can have them to fix my teeth :-)

How Open Adoption Has Changed My Life

When Brett and I decided to adopt, we knew absolutely NOTHING about adoption. There was no guide book and I didn't know any Adoptive Mothers that had adopted in the past 10 years. However, I did know a few people that had been adopted so I was able to ask them lots of questions. I noticed a pattern that a lot of older adoptees shared. The unanswerable "Why". Why were they placed....Were they loved... whats their biological health history....etc. They were saddened by missing the first chapter of their life. Not all adoptees that I talked to felt this way and were very at peace with the way things in their life were. For us though, we KNEW that we didn't ever want our children to wonder. Adoption has come a long way in the past few decades and closed adoption is becoming less and less common in America. So now that we knew that we wanted an open adoption, we questioned how exactly that would work. I knew absolutely NOBODY that had ever done an open adoption. People thought we were crazy for wanting to keep contact with a Birth Family and were quick to tell us horror stories that they saw on some news channel 20 years ago. However, at the end of the day, we truly felt that open adoption was the best way for us. So with a blind leap of faith, we jumped right in to the open adoption world.
      We have now adopted 2 AMAZING little boys. Both of which are in Open Adoptions :-) Our oldest son is almost 4 and our youngest son is almost 2. I won't say that it has always been easy but I can say that it all has been completely worth it. Here are a few things we learned along the way. Enjoy!
 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY
1) Always give your child's Birth Family the benefit of the doubt. There are so many high emotions that you can easily turn something into nothing.
2) Do NOT make a promise you can not keep. Trust is the most important piece of open adoption so if you say you will do something then do it. If you aren't comfortable with something, find a happy medium to satisfy everyone involved.
3) Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! The Good and the Bad. Ask them how they are doing and if the need more or less communication.  Be up front. If you have ill feelings that you can't shake then address them. Don't let it stew in your mind so long that you blow up.
4) If you feel inspired to reach out to a Birth Parent, DO IT! You will be more in tune with a Birth Parent than you think so don't postpone a prompting.
5) Praise them. Use the L word and mean it.
6) Honor the Birth Parents in your children's lives. Let them be proud to be adopted. Post pictures of them in their bed rooms.
7) Don't fear the Birth Parents relationship with the child. Jealousy can be hard to push past sometimes but you just have to do it. Don't nurture jealousy. The Adoptive Family and the Birth Family have 2 separate roles in the child's life. Your worlds will come together to make the child's world one. Finding a good balance is possible.
8) Include the Birth Family as much as you want. The more we give the more they give and we can help each other heal in beautiful ways. No child ever suffered by having too many people love him/her.
9) It's ok to not be perfect in front of them. They know your human. You're not a bad parent if your kid has peanut butter on his shirt.
10) Be yourself from the moment you meet them. No fake smiles, no photoshopping, no pretending to be anything but yourself. That is who they want to see.
11) Be confident in their choice. After placement Adoptive Parents will go through a guilt process. It hurts so bad. You will know that you are benefiting from what is paining them but it will be ok. Pain is to be expected in these situations. Sending them pictures and letting them know you are there helps a ton.
12) Remind them that you are never going anywhere. If you feel them pulling away its ok to ask them about it. If they need space respect it. 

Adoption changed our life. It changed the way we love, the way we have compassion, the way we live.

 Adoption is full of potential. Full of choices that you will make every single day. It will be the hardest most rewarding thing you will ever do. Just keep the faith and remember that FAITH and FEAR can not exist in your mind at the same time. Make sure to nurture the faith part a little more each day and you'll be just fine.

New York City!!!

We decided to take a trip to the wild and CRAZY New York CITY! We had to go anyways for a meeting with our adoption agency to discuss the possibilities of adopting our 3rd child AND Birth Family. The meeting went good and we are excited to start this new chapter in our life. We made the best of our time there and are excited to go back and play some more!!! :-) 

Day 1

We drove all the way through the beautiful state of Pennsylvania.

And a bit of New Jersey.

Then we arrived in the Big Apple!

 Our first stop was of course the BIGGEST toy store in NYC.... FAO Schwartz.

Then it was on to Dylan's Candy Bar. 

Holy geezeeee candy coming out of the walls! Literally!!

Then for some NY pizza.....DELICIOUS!!

Day2

We toured the awesome St.Patricks Cathedral. It was beautiful!

We stopped at the TODAY show so the boys 

could give a shout out to their Birth Families.

Then we visited Rockefeller Plaza. 

30 ROCK!

We Stopped at the NBC store for some souvenirs!

 #dwightschrutefans

The boys loved the Lego Store!

Then we made some crazy noises in Grand Central Station. 

It was awesome! I felt like we were in a movie :-)

Then we took a Ferry ride across the river.

 It was so windy but the boys still enjoyed it!

We gave a shout out to Lady Liberty.

Then back on dry land to take a subway ride around town. 

The boys really liked the "train". Sawyer thought he was so big :-)

He is mesmerized by the large buildings! 

Then we took a LONGGGG walk all the way through Central Park. 

Best Friends XOXO

We found Alice in her Wonderland.

We also found BALTO!! We watched this movie before we came and so this was our favorite part of Central Park. Great Movie!!

All that walking gave us a HUGE appetite so we ate at the famous Carnegie Deli. J-Dog ate all of his food! I just don't get it... where does he put that food?!?!

Sawyer fell asleep so he missed out on the largest sandwiches ever :-/

I wanted Breakfast at Tiffanys. Maybe someday... maybe..

We found some Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall.

It was a busy day but well worth it!

Day 3

We visited the new One World Trade Center. 

This is THE biggest building we have ever seen!

Then we toured the 9-11 Memorial.

There are 2 giant fonts where the building once stood. 

Around the edge of each of them, 

all the names of those who died are engraved there.  

 We shared with the boys what happened there and they were so sad for those people. 

It was very humbling for all of us and the boys were very reverent and respectful.

This is the LONE SURVIVOR TREE of the 9-11 attacks.

After that we headed over to Chinatown & Little Italy. 

There is some DELICIOUS Pizza there!

My loot I got in Chinatown!

Then back on the Subway "train" where J-Dog showed us how he can 

rock this train like no ones business! LOL 

Time to head back home :-( Not before stopping at all the 

welcome centers to pick up a few pamphlets to help us plan our next adventure!

#makingamericaourbackyard

We can't wait to go back!!