Not Ashamed of My Story

This week is National Infertility Awareness week. I was thinking back to when we were trying so hard to conceive a child. It started as a very exciting time in our life and then gradually became a very dark & lonely part of our life.  After about 2 years of trying to get pregnant we started to see doctors. Previous to this, we were not shy about telling others that we were hoping to get pregnant soon. I tracked my temperature, charted, peed on numerous ovulation strips, ate healthy, lived healthy, and did everything I was supposed to do to try to get pregnant. As time went on and literally EVERY one of my friends got pregnant I felt myself slipping away. I couldn't help but ask myself, "What are we doing wrong?!?! When it is our turn?!?" It started to become a painful thing and I hid it from everyone. Few knew we started seeing not one but 2 infertility specialist. Few knew we had several fail procedures that were supposed to increase our chances of getting pregnant and didn't. Few knew I endured a very painful surgery, radiologic procedures, and took several infertility drugs with no success. Same outcome/ diagnosis every time.... "you have unexplained infertility" meaning, everything looks fine....nobody knows why we aren't getting pregnant. 
It was a hard time for us to endure alone. I told my Mother and a VERY few VERY close friends but that is it. They tried their best to help but having not experienced this type of pain, they just didn't get it. I think back now and wonder why. Why was I so ashamed of this trial? I think some of it was not wanting pity from others. I didn't want my pain to be talked about. I didn't want others to see me "broken" as that was how I saw myself....broken. My body had failed me and there was nothing I could do. I tried to push past it but when 2 years of trying turns into 6 years of trying that is a long time to let pain push you down. By then I had unintentionally isolated myself from almost everyone by letting the pain win. I couldn't hid the pain anymore. 
 Also during this time I had absolutely nobody to turn to. As far as I knew, I was the only one struggling with this long battle. Infertility just isn't something I wanted to talk about with people. It's something so intimate and personal so I felt embarrassed to talk about it.
After being married as long as we had and still not having kids, EVERYONE felt like they needed to ask us why. It is such a personal question so I just did what was easiest and just lied. "Oh I want to finish school", or "we aren't ready, etc." I hated lying. I'm not a liar but for this I made an exception. It was just easier to lie than to tell them my 500 page unexplained health history to try to fulfill their curiosity. DO NOT ASK SOMEONE WHY THEY DON'T HAVE KIDS. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. (If you would like tips on how to help your friend or family struggling with infertility or how to be supportive if they are trying to adopt click HERE. )

My infertility secret came out when we adopted our kids. How? Well most people don't just adopt kids right of the bat. Infertility usually is a precursor to adoption. For us adoption wasn't our plan B, it was just the plan that was MEANT to be. It just took us a while to find that road. What also happened when it came out was that women started coming to me in confidence with their own infertility struggles. I became a safe place for them because they knew I had traveled the hard road of infertility. I knew their pain and sometimes that is all you need.... someones who's been there. 

For me, adoption made sense of my infertility. I truly believe my body was designed this way for a reason.... for my boys, and for their Birth Mommas. Had my body worked properly our family would be totally different. Who we are as a family would be different. I am SO proud to be a Mother by Adoption and every painful second I endured to get here was worth it. After we adopted Sawyer, I was no longer ashamed of my infertility. Infertility is part of my story that led me to Sawyer & Jamison so how could I be ashamed of that? 
It has been almost 11 years now and yes I still struggle with infertility at times. However now, I am not ashamed of it. I never thought something so ugly and painful could bring forth so much goodness to myself and those around me. The struggle is usually triggered by various things which I talked about HERE, but the length of time it affects me is nothing compared to how it used to be. Also talking about it actually helps!
If you are currently struggling with infertility, I am here. I know your battle. I know what those tears taste like. Vent to me, cry to me, and I WILL help you through this. You do not have to go through it alone like I did. Let me continue to make sense of my infertility by helping you with yours. If you're not ready to reach out quite yet, remember this.... 

• You are not "broken" the way you might think.
• God is not punishing you. He is not bored and just picking on you either. That is not how he works. He has a plan for you.
• One day all of this pain will make sense.
• Don't forget you're human. It's ok to have a meltdown, just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and recharge. 
• Unexplained infertility (what I have) may leave you struggling with closure since you have no answers. Therefore you may find yourself stuck somewhere in the grieving process.
• Infertility is an emotional cycle. It's normal to have emotions all over the place!
• You ARE doing enough. 
• Talk to someone who gets it. 
• Pray. Satan tries to limit your praying because your praying will limit him. 
• Re-Evaluate. How open is your mind to other options? 
• Sometimes infertility can be your refiners fire so stay close to the Lord no matter how mad you get at him. 
• Yes... it does feel unfair at times. 
• Never postpone a prompting. 

I hope this helps. It is not something to be ashamed of. I don't know why some struggle with infertility and others don't. One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.