A few months ago, I attended an Eagle Scout Court of Honor for my nephew. It was a lovely ceremony surrounded by family, friends, and those who have played a special role in my nephew's life. As part of the ceremony, the new Eagle Scout pins a pin on his Mother as a token of thanks for all she has done to help him achieve this highest scout honor. It was so very touching to my heart. After the ceremony was over, I shared with a woman that when my boys were older and we were at their Eagle Scout ceremony, that I would hope that they could have 2 pins for when its time to pin their Mother.... One for me and one for their Birth Mothers. I was very taken back when this woman openly disagreed with this idea. She told me "no... they aren't the ones who will have driven them to all of their meetings, helped with their service projects, etc. That honor is reserved only for you." I was speechless. I found it incredibly insulting to my boys' Birth Mothers and how she so quickly tried to dismiss the idea of something that was so sacred to me. How could she downplay their important roles like that?!?! After Brett and I got in the car, I vented to him my frustration and we both felt the same way. We tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was trying to be "helpful" by maybe helping me see that I don't HAVE to share that honor nor should I feel obligated to or whatever. Whatever she meant by it though.... struck a nerve.
As a woman who struggles with unexplained infertility there will always be plenty of moments that I will miss out on. I most likely will never see a positive pregnancy test, never go to an ultrasound, never creatively tell my husband in some awesome way "I'm Pregnant", never celebrate a gender reveal, never experience labor, breastfeeding, swollen ankles, never see what a child of mine and Brett's genetics would look like, etc. Often times my infertility sadness triggers are caused by seeing others who do get these things. Even though I am happy for them, it is still sad at times because it is just a reminder of what I am missing out on. Things that I have absolutely no control over. This missing out list could have been a lot longer had it not been for our amazing Birth Parents.
When our son's Birth Parents placed their perfect little boys in our arms, they gave us more than just a child. They gave us first steps, winning soccer goals, hand picked flowers, art for the refrigerator, insanely loud giggles, snuggles, messy sticky kisses and so so much more. They gave me Motherhood & Brett Fatherhood.
I love our boys Birth Parents so so much. I want them there always. I may not be able to control what I miss out on but I can control what they, their Birth Parents, miss out on. I want them there for sports games, school plays, birthday parties, graduations, baptisms, mission farewells, homecomings, and yes... even Eagle Scout Ceremonies....especially when they pin their Mothers. I know living far away from them makes coming to these things a little more difficult but it doesn't mean that I don't wish they could be there. I always think of them in my moments of proudness for our boys. I send them lots of pictures so they can enjoy it with us even though they are far away. I don't feel like I have to share nor do I feel obligated to share at all. It's a choice I made and I whole-heartedly want to share these moments with them. They shared Motherhood with me and I gladly will share Motherhood with them right back. Without them, there would have been nothing to celebrate, and my missing out list would have never ended.
I know this may not be ideal for everyone.... but for us, it is. I don't feel like I'm loosing out on anything by sharing happy times with them. Sharing doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your joy. Sharing is just making more room for the joy to be spread. It's ok to share your happiness. Just as every adoption is different... so is everyones level of comfort when it comes to sharing. There are some Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents that would rather not have these moments shared with them. That's ok too! Some situations aren't healthy for sharing and would not be in the best interest of the child involved. If I felt even the slightest bit that there would be harm in sharing I wouldn't do it. Luckily, there is no harm in our triads.
Jason, Lauren, & Amy.... If you read this, know that your presence will always be wanted there. I want to settle any confusion right now and tell you that when we invite you, we genuinely WANT you there. The boys want you there and your families are wanted there too. You will not be the elephant in the room nor in the way in the least bit. I know we live far apart so coming to everything would be difficult, but just know in those moments, we do think of you and our hearts flood with gratitude. For had it not been for you there would be no happiness to celebrate.
Heart & Soul... Candace
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