Becoming a Mommy : )

This week has been by far the most amazing week of my life. This is the week I became a mother. Not just anyones mother, Sawyer Jonus's mommy. When I decided to be a mother I never thought it would be this wonderful.

I feel extremely lucky that Sawyer's birthmom was so willing to share his birth with me. I realize that lots of adoptive mothers don't get that opportunity so I am so thankful for her. She was in labor for many hours and when the time came for Sawyer to meet the world she let me witness it. Along with me was Sawyer's birth father and his birth grandmother. I felt so helpless seeing her in pain. I wish I could have taken the pain for her so she wouldn't have to. I had tears streaming down me cheeks the whole time. When he came I went to the other side of the room to get a camera when all of a sudden I heard my name being called. I turned around to the doctor handing me a pair of scissors to cut the cord. That meant so much to me that Lauren and Jason chose me to do that. (Oh man I can't even write this without crying.) I felt so included and honored.

When I saw little Sawyer for the first time I wept. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I felt so undeserving of this little body in front of me. He had big eyes and lots of hair. He had the cutest little cry. I counted all his fingers and toes and watched the hospital staff do their job. They told his birth mom that she would get 2 bracelets that match the one on Sawyer's ankle that would give people total access to him. One was for her and the other was for someone else. She gave it to me. The fact that she would give it to me was so sweet. I was honored to wear it. I watched them weigh and measure him and takes his little footprints. He didn't cry much but his big eyes wandered everywhere. He was curoius to see his new surroundings.

Lauren held him first, then Jason, then me. When Lauren held him you could she in her eyes how proud she was. I watched how she looked at him and I could feel the love she felt for him so strongly. Her smile was so big.

It was also beautiful watching Jason hold him. I could see how proud he was also. Sawyer looks so much like him so I wonder if it was like looking at a mini him when he held him. I was fillming all of this so Sawyer can see it for himself someday. I want him to see and know the love his birth parents have for him always.

 When it was time for me to hold him, I just balled my eyes out. He was absolutly precious in every way. I experienced a new kind of love that I had never experienced. My heart was so full of love and I thought it was going to explode. I was holding an answer to thousands of prayers and an end to all my pain and suffering. I was holding the future and that sad past had just been washed away in an instant. He was so worth the wait. He looked at me with those big brown eyes and I felt his love. I felt his trust in me to take care of him and love forever. While holding him everything just made sense...finally. It was clear to me that this is the way it was supposed to be all along. Lauren and  Jason are such wonderful people I wouldn't doubt if they agreed to do this for us in our pre-existance. They gave Brett and I the gift we could not give each other. What a special gift!

 Brett held him next. He was so filled with joy. Watching him hold his son for the first time was absolutly priceless. Sawyer looked directly into Brett's eyes trying to figure out who this person was. Some of Sawyer's grandparents and Aunt passed him around nest. Everyone that held Sawyer that day felt the joy we did in different ways. Sawyer put many smiles on peoples faces that day. That room was so filled with love and a spirit I can't explain.

For the rest of that day, Brett and I left the hospital so Jason and Lauren could have some time alone with him which is perfectly understandable. That gave us a chance to do some final preparations for his arrival home. We got some little sentimental gifts for Lauren and Jason. That night Brett and I also wrote them letters. It's so hard to try to express your grattitude for something of this magnitude. Brett and I will always feel inadequate for not being able to repay them for the wonderful gift they have given to us.

The following day we went back to the hospital and we were given our own room. I got to feed little Sawyer and it felt so nice. I also got to change his poopy diaper which wasn't so nice! Lauren let me make all of Sawyer's medical decisions such as vaccines, circumcision, etc. One thing that I remembered so well is when Jason let me hold Sawyer and called me his mommy. That felt so good to hear. I could also see that Lauren and Jason were genuinely happy for us. I really didn't want to cause them pain by being around them much because I thought that seeing us would be painful and a reminder of what was to come the next day. I wanted them to enjoy their time with him without us being a distraction. However, I was wrong. They were happy and supporative for us. They liked seeing Sawyer with us. That meant a lot to us. That night Brett and I spent a lot of time with Jason and Lauren alone. I loved that. We talked for hours and just got to really know each other better. We read them our letters and just could feel that they were as grateful for us as we were for them. We talked about the future and hopes for Sawyer. Jason has a love for cooking and has agreed to make Sawyer his first birthday cake. We could not have asked for more perfect birth parents.

On the last day, Sawyer's Aunte Ana brought him a cake and we celebrated Sawyers arrival. We had some friends come and take some cute pictures. As the day went on I could sense sadness coming. Brett and I went to our room and gave them some alone time with Sawyer. While we were in our room I just started crying so hard. I have felt a lot of pain in my life. Having my father die wasn't easy by any means but somehow this was just as painful. I can honestly say I have never in my life felt pain so strongly for another human being. I just knew how hard this had to be for Lauren and Jason and the thought of them hurting was killing me inside. They aren't just Sawyer's birthparents, they are 2 people that we love and respect so much. I had already seen Lauren in so much pain in childbirth and I knew her signing the adoption papers would be more pain. I didn't want her to have anymore pain. I know that she did it all out of love for Sawyer. The love she has for him is so strong and unbreakable. Not many mothers and fathers would do that for their child. I was feeling so guilty, like I was the cause of their pain. I love Sawyer's whole package and that includes the people that gave him life yet I felt like I was the one causing their pain. I was going to get to finally be the happiest I have ever been but at the expense of someone elses happiness. It just didn't seem fair. I talked to the social worker at the hospital and she told me that all those feeling I had were totally normal.

When the time came for me and Brett to sign the papers, we had been told by the social worker that Lauren and Jason could either leave the baby in the nursery and leave the hospital or bring him to us personally. Shortly after we signed them, Lauren, Jason, and Lauren's mother came to our room to bring baby Sawyer. I knew they wouldn't just leave him in the nursery and they didn't. There were lots of tears but no good-byes, just see-ya laters. Lauren picked him up out of his bassinet, her and Jason kissed him, and then handed him to me with tears in their eyes. When they handed him to me I was so overwhelmed with grattitude. I thought back through the past few days and was so grateful for the whole experience. They didn't have to let me in the room for Sawyer's birth, but they did. They didn't have to let me cut the cord, but they did. They didn't have to give me a baby armband, but they did. They were so unselfish through this whole experience and I can't thank them enough.

It's been 5 days since Sawyer's arrival and he is home with us. Brett is holding him right now and we finally feel like a family. Sawyer is the most loved and wanted baby in the whole world. We sometimes just stare at him in unbelief that he is actually here with us. We love this little guy so much and want to cherish every moment. I film everything so I can always remember it and share it with Lauren and Jason. We love it when he smiles at us and when he sleeps. We love feeding him and yes we even love the poopie diapers. We love his hair and his little button nose. We love his long toes and his cute little hands. When I hold him I like him to hold onto my pinkie finger.

I am so grateful for adoption and all the love and support from everyone. Through this whole process there was conformation after conformation that this was the right path for us. I have learned so much from this about love, life, compassion, forgivness, selflessness, and faith. I know the best way we can pay Lauren and Jason back for this selfless act is to raise Sawyer to be a wonderful young man and make them proud. We will try our absolute best. I love you Lauren and Jason. Thanks for taking the road less traveled with us.

If you would like to see Sawyer's story from his birth parents side here it is. Leave them some good comments : )
http://www.adoptionadventuresjl.blogspot.com/