One Month Later

Sawyer is now 1 month old! Wow, the time has flown by sooo fast. The first couple of weeks we realized how little we really did know about not only babies but also emotions that come with adoption. I have nothing to compare Sawyer to in reguards to how a baby should act but I have been told by many people how lucky I am to have such a good baby. He rarely cries and sleeps long through the night. He can already hold his own bottle at times and he has a great attention span. He also is such a good eater and just loves the breastmilk. He eats a lot! He's growing so fast and gaining weight. He's getting a double chin : ) He still is on a breastmilk only diet. Lucy has donated more breastmilk to him and I am sooo extremely grateful for her caring service to Sawyer. It has made a huge difference. Sawyer also has some colostrum donated by another donor from Reno, Nevada. Jeni had some colostrum saved up that she hadn't used for months and didn't quite know why she felt so compeled to keep it. When she heard about Lucy and Sawyer, she offered him some milk also. She felt this was the reason she felt like she needed to keep that milk for some reason. She was so sweet and 2-day shipped it to me just in time for Sawyer to have it for his first meal at home.

Sawyer's birthmom Lauren and I still keep in contact often. I have sent her pictures and a dvd of Sawyer's birth. I upload videos for her on YT so she can see how he is doing as often as she would like. She hasn't seen him since we took him home but the day will come when everyones ready to see each other.
One thing I didn't expect when I took Sawyer home was all the emotions I experienced this past month. I know what I am about to share is personal but I think it is important for people to know that are also choosing the adoption route. The first week was the hardest. I was so full of guilt. I knew Sawyer's birth family was hurting and I felt like it in some way was all my fault. I felt like the bad guy. I had this beautiful baby in my arms that I absoultly loved and I knew that could have never been if it wasn't for Sawyer's wonderful birth parents that were hurting so badly. It just didn't seem fair. I love Lauren and Jason so much and I just wanted to take them home with me. The next feelings I felt were jealously. I was so jealous of Lauren and Jason. I wish I could have given birth to my baby so bad. Everytime I looked at Sawyer, I saw their faces and not ours. He has their hands, not ours. He has their toes, not ours. I admit, it was even hard for me to give Lauren updates a little bit. It was hard trying to feel like "Mom" when I was often reminded that I wasn't his real "Mom". I didn't know anyone that had been in my shoes and had also done an open adoption that I could talk to so I felt so horrible for having these feelings. I felt like if I said anything to anyone that it would make me look ungrateful and I was so far from being ungrateful. I felt these feelings beating me down and making it hard for me to bond with my baby. Then one day one of the social workers came over and I just unloaded my feelings on him. He told me that all these feelings were COMPLETELY normal. I felt so relieved. He assured me that things would get better in time. The day after he left I met someone this has been in my shoes, twice. She has two adopted children that are both open adoptions. It felt so good to talk to her. We shared stories and she was a major help. She helped me see things in a different light. She told me to continue to be completely honest with Lauren and I have. She understood me so well. I love the love and relationship she has with her children's birth mother's. She said the birthmoms are like sisters or sisters-in-laws to her. I understand that love and I look forward to the day Lauren and I have that sisterly relationship.

Bonding with Sawyer was different for me. I didn't carry him for 9 months so it didn't just come the minute I held him. This may sound silly but the first real bond moment I had with him was about a week after I brought him home when I tried wearing a baby wrap someone got for me at my baby shower. I was trying it out, put him in it, and felt so close to him. I felt his little tummy move with each breath and I know he could hear my heartbeat in my chest. I felt so close to him and I didn't want to take him out of it. It was an emotion I have never felt before and I loved it. From then it just grew a little bit each day. I still put him in that wrap and just wear it around the house for no reason other than to feel close to him. I also have him sleep on my chest at night. He sleeps on Brett's chest sometimes also. It's moments like that and feelings like that that really help me feel like a mother. He is a very alert baby and he will just stare into my eyes sometimes and make me melt. He is gaining control over his head and will follow my voice when I talk to him.
Sawyer also love just being held. He cries when I lay him down so that makes me feel like he misses me. He is happy again when I pick him up and hold him in my arms. Sawyer is a special baby. He is helping me feel like a mom  more and more every day. I have realized that even though I didn't carry him for 9 months, I am still his Mom. Lauren will always be his birth mom and that makes him extra special because he has not only a mom but a birth mom too. He will always know his belly button is extra special because it was connected to Lauren's belly button.

One day I was just staring at Sawyer and I started noticing how much he does look like Brett after all. There are 6 kids in Brett's family and Brett is the only one with dark eyes. Sawyer and Brett also have similar dimples. It's wierd because Brett and Jason don't look that much alike, but Sawyer somehow resembles them both in a way. Sawyer and Brett also have the same hair color and skin tone.
My life has changed so much in the past month and I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life. My love for Sawyer and his birth family grow every day. The jealously has been replaced with more honor and more grattitude for them. I feel so lucky to have an open adoption plan. We love you Jason and Lauren : ) Oh and the dogs absolutly love him also!

Sawyer also has already been on his first road trip to Kansas for Thanksgiving. Here is the video of that.


His next adventure will be next week when we go to Nevada and Utah!
I don't know who all reads this, but feedback is much welcomed : ) I like hearing your thoughts too.