Our Son's Adoptive Birth Dad

        For many years, I only knew of open adoption one way. We had our son, he had us. He had his Birth Parents, and his Birth Parents had him. We had Birth Parents and they have all of us.  From the moment we met our son's Birth Parents, there was no turning back. We met, they asked us to be their child's parents, and from that day forward we all worked towards nurturing and molding our two worlds together to make our sons world one. For us to be where we are now, didn't happen over night. It took a lot of growing, healing, commitment, and sustainment of each other. We had to be strong enough to push pass jealousies, always give the benefits of the doubts, and be engaged in growing together... as a team... for this little boy we shared. 

As I started to get more involved in the open adoption community, I was able to meet some amazing Adoptive Parents & Amazing Birth Moms, but surprisingly to me... very few active Birth Dads. Where were all the Birth Dads?? There are so many wonderful things I love about my sons Birth Parents. I could write a novel with several volumes on how great they both are. For this blog though, I am going to spotlight our sons Birth Father. 

    The first time I met our sons Birth Father, I admit it, I didn't know what to think. He was tall, tough, and super...SUPER quite. After talking to him for a bit though, I slowly saw the gentle giant come out in him. I could see the fear in his big dark eyes from the many unknowns in the choice he was making for his son. For our Birth Father, he didn't have much support from his family in his decision so the only real support he had was from our sons Birth Mother, her family, and us. (Once we met his family after placement things were different and we felt nothing but love and gratitude from them. We love them a lot!!)

While our Birth Mother was pregnant, he was there. When our son was born, he was there. He was involved, he was supportive, and he LOVED and still does LOVE his son very much. I was very fortunate to be able to be in the room when our son entered the world. While she gave birth he stood on one side of our Birth Mom and I stood on the other, along with her Mother. When he came out I saw the instant proudness on his face. When it came time to cut the cord, a job that traditionally the father does, he passed that honorable duty to me. I didn't even know they had discussed that until the doctor handed him the scissors and he redirected them to me. (I am so thankful for that opportunity.)

We all had 2 days together in the hospital. We were pretty uncertain about what an open adoption was like so we weren't sure what life was going to be like once we left the hospital. When it was time to sign the papers, we signed in different rooms and afterwards they joined us in our room. I could tell this was killing them both inside. They both had been crying and were feeling the deepest pain they have ever faced in their life.... all for the love they had for their son. They were my first true example of pure, self-less love. 

After the hospital we had several visits with them, together and separately. We were determined to use this experience for good. 

    2 years later our family felt it was time to grow so began our journey for open adoption #2. We were contacted by a beautiful young girl who was starting her adoption journey alone, without the baby's father. Once he found out she was pregnant, he quickly vanished and wanted nothing to do with this child. Her and I communicated for a while, found out it's a BOY, and then we met up in Utah when we went out to visit my family. When she told me the father was not involved I didn't really know what to think. If anything I think I was surprised. I wondered how that would be to have one open adoption where my son has both of his Birth Parents and another adoption that has a Biological father that wants nothing to do with him. Now I have said a lot of prayers in my life. Prayed for big things, small things, and things that don't really matter. But when I prayed about this girl and her son, I got the STRONGEST conformation I have EVER had to a prayer in my whole life. It truly felt like God was sitting there next to me telling me that everything would be just fine and things would work out for the good of everyone. It was so STRONG and so powerful that through the whole adoption process, doubt never crossed my mind again. No matter what happened, it would turn out the way God intended it to be. 

When our 2nd son was born, his Birth Mother delivered alone. She had just endured a painful pregnancy, stares, whispers, and judgement from other people,  and was left to make these hard... HARD decisions alone. Luckily she had her family and a few friends to help support her in this difficult time. She had 2 days with her son in the hospital. She tried reaching the Bio-Father several times but he ignored her. When it came time to sign the papers, she painfully signed her name with no support from him. (He did sign his portion of the paperwork 2 months before our son was born.) 

As months went by we went back out to Utah a few more times and tried to make plans to meet the Biological Father. Finally after 9 months and 2 false alarms (he stood us up) we met him in person. Our son looked SO much like his Bio-Father!  It was kind of a bittersweet moment for us. I was so grateful to meet him and so extremely grateful that he went through with the adoption plan but I was heartbroken for my son and his Birth Mother. I did ask why he wasn't ever there and he said he was just scared. I believe he was scared...he was a young immature kid. (He still hasn't told his family that he has a son out there.) In that one visit I tried to get it all in. I got as many pictures as I could and asked as many questions I could think of. I just didn't know if I'd ever have another chance to do so. I'm glad I did because we haven't ever seen him again. I did ask before he left that visit if he would like us to give him updates and he said "No". 

After that visit I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. I looked at my precious boys and wondered HOW could anybody not want to be involved in their precious lives? How could someone so willingly want to reject my handsome little boy? I was heartbroken for him. I was heartbroken for the situation. I knew what open adoption had the potential to become but I couldn't force someone to be involved if they didn't want to. 

When we came back home, we met up with our oldest sons Birth Father. I shared with him what had just happened on our visit and he couldn't make sense of it either. He had asked me one time if when my oldest son (his Birth Son) was older, if he could take him to a baseball or football game sometime. During this conversation I brought that up and told him how sad I felt for my younger son having to sit at home and never being able to have moments like that with his Bio-Father. He quickly corrected me and said "Uh... HELLO... It's not like I'm going to leave his little brother at home!" At that moment he claimed him. Our youngest son was still a baby so he hadn't had much time to get to know him, but from that day forward he became the "Adoptive Birth Dad" to our youngest son. He loves both of our sons so much. Our youngest son has his own special little bond with him too. What a gift to have him for a Birth Dad in our life! We are all so lucky to have him! Our youngest son's Birth Mother is super grateful for him too for being there in that special way :-) 

So what does it mean to be an Adoptive Birth Dad? Basically it just means to love the unbiological child just as much. To make the child feel just as special on visits, holidays, or birthdays and not to feel left out at all.  To maybe give some answers that us as Adoptive Parents can't answer. I know there will come a time in my youngest sons life when he starts asking questions. I will never lie to my children and will always prayerfully handle delicate situations when they arise. He may not have his Bio-Father in his life but he will always have his amazing Birth Mom, Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sister, Adoptive Birth Dad, and lots of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins that are. It is not something I really worry about anymore. Maybe some day his Bio-Father will come around but if not that's ok too. 

    Birth Dads are important and we got a good one. Birth Dad is now a full time father to a BEAUTIFUL little girl with his wonderful girlfriend whom we LOVE!! She is super supportive of our unique little modern family and she is an important part of it as well. We love you Birth Dad and we are more grateful for you than you know. Heart & Soul