Closing Infertility.... Opening Adoption

I have been asked sever times "When did you know that it was time to stop infertility treatments and start pursuing adoption?"

Every adoptive Mom you ask will have a different answer as to how they came to that point. The is no one size fits all answer. So as for my answer, well it didn't just come overnight. Adoption was something that I always wanted to do since I was a young child. I remember watching "The Sound of Music" (which btw is my FAVORITE movie) and thinking how wonderful it was that those kids got to have a Mother again. When I got married and was ready to start my family, Brett and I decided that we were going to have a few kids and then adopt a few. I wanted a big family... like to VonTrapps ;-) After a few years of trying to get pregnant we finally went and saw a specialist... then another.... then another. Every doctor told us the same thing...you are both perfectly healthy and we were finally diagnosed with unexplained infertility after a negative salpingogram, a painful diagnostic surgery that showed nothing, and after trying the fertility medications.  We tried a couple IUI's and spent thousands of dollars on failed procedures. Everyone tried to offer their 2 cents on what worked for them and that didn't help. (Note.... if you have a friend struggling with infertility..DON'T DO THAT!) To fill my need to nurture...we got a couple dogs and just waited for the answer to come to us.

Courtesy: Ashley Mauldin Photography

 It was devastating and while I was dying inside everyone around me was getting pregnant like nothing. I was angry, frustrated, mad at God, and felt hopeless. I felt like starting a family was a very righteous desire so I didn't know why I was being "punished". I still to this day don't know medically why we are unable to have any children. Brett and I saved up enough money to try the in-vitro route, met with a different fertility specialist, and set a date to do in-vitro. When the day came to start the drugs to get my eggs ready for harvest, I just felt sick inside about doing it. I just felt like this was all wrong. So we rescheduled for the following month and when that day came that sick feeling came back. My mom flew in from out of state to be with me and still I couldn't go through with it. Everyone told me I just had cold feet and to just go through with it but deep down inside I felt like it was all wrong. I prayed and prayed and questioned God as to why I felt this way. I didn't want this anymore. It didn't make any sense to me.  Earlier that day my cousin brought over a little girl that she nannied. She was adopted. I looked at this little girl and thought to my self how lucky she was to have the life she does. She was born in Mexico (I think) and could of had a totally different life if she hadn't been placed for adoption. That whole day I kept thinking about her but the biggest factor that got me thinking about adoption was this: What is more important to me.... being pregnant or being a Mother?I wanted to be a Mother more than anything else in the world. 

Courtesy: Facebook/ Open Adoption, Open Heart 

I was ready and wanting to pursue the adoption route but I didn't even know where to begin. I knew it would take effort and more waiting but I was willing to wait.  The day I canceled the appt for invitro the second time I started looking whole heartedly into adoption. THAT was what felt right to me. THAT was what made sense to me. I didn't feel forced or pushed into this. It was not my last option, it was my destiny. It took me a long time to realize that infertility is not a punishment. It was a blessing in disguise for us. My body was designed this way for a reason. My body was designed for Lauren (Sawyer's Birth Mom) and Amy ( Jamison's birth mom.) When Sawyer was 18 months old we felt a strong feeling that we needed to get our profile in and adopt another baby. 3 months later we were chosen by Jamison's birth mother to be his parents.

If you are struggling right now with trying what to do next....I know right now is hard. It's painful, embarrassing, isolating, and super frustrating. Adoption took time to come into my mind. It takes courage and faith... lots of it!  In my infertility journey, adoption was something that was always in the back of my mind but fear got the best of me. Seeing others get pregnant so easily made me think that I could become a Mom as easy as they did if I tried harder or was a little more valiant. I was afraid of adoption and the unknowns. I didn't think I was grown up enough or rich enough to handle adoption. I didn't know if I would be able to love a child as my own that I didn't give birth too. Once I dug deeper and got over the fallacies of it all, everything feel into place. It was the right path. I can honestly tell you that YES you WILL love adopted children as if you gave birth to them.... as if they were your own.  My boys are mine. Even though I do have open adoptions (meaning I keep in contact with their birth families) I am their Mother and they are my sons. Adoption is not as scary as you think. It is actually a very beautiful thing and quite amazing!! 

Adoption is one of the hardest commitments you will ever make. You have to go into it knowing you WANT this.... not that you are out of options. It will be an emotional roller coaster but a well worth it ride in the end. 

  

Sawyer (3) & Jamison (1)