Gone.

Something has changed within me. They are gone. For this WHOLE adoption process we did it with a burning desire to find "them". They were constantly on our minds and every hard step we took, we took with them in mind. I felt very "in tune" with them I guess you could say. Sadly however, that feeling has left. 

I don't know why they have left our minds for the time being but I hope they come back soon. Maybe they changed their minds. Maybe they chose someone else. Maybe something happened to them. 

I know this may make absolutely no sense to some but its hard to describe the loss of a sacred feeling I've carried for them for so long.  Having them gone makes me realize just how real they were in my soul. 

I am trying to stay hopeful and keep going. I don't know if this loss of feeling is to prepare me for something ahead or to soften the blow if it doesn't happen. So for the time being I'll just keep my mind open to whatever may come. Even if that means nothing comes. At least we will know we tried. I am still grateful for the moments they were "there".