Ok to Breathe

I am often asked when in our adoption process the moment was that I just KNEW Sawyer's birth parents were REALLY going through with the adoption. Well besides the obvious signing of the papers. Brett and I were picked to be Sawyer's parents on June 30, 2009. His birth mother wasn't due for another 4 months away so I knew a lot could happen during our 4 month wait for his arrival. When we first found out we were picked.... we were at a local diner with his birth parents. It was the first time they had met us in person but we had lots of communication with them up until then. Asking LOTS of questions on both ends and just really getting to know each other just in case it was a perfect match. Before we left the diner... they asked us to be his PARENTS!! We felt so honored and excited!!! I already loved them so much and now I loved them in an even deeper way.

   The next few days I just told a FEW people our news. I was scared to tell anybody in fear that they would change their minds and I didn't want pity from anyone. At the time, I was already ashamed of my body for letting me down over and over. Nobody even knew we were trying to have a baby. It was a painful secret that I had buried and I just wasn't in the mood to answer questions. As weeks went on... Sawyer's B-Ma would ask me if I had bought anything for the baby yet. I thought her asking was a good sign that she was serious about going through with it but I still didn't have that 100% inner certainty. She would ask how his nursery was coming along and get excited to see pictures of our progress. It was an unknown territory to me. To be honest... each time we would buy something for the baby or add something new to his room, I felt the sacredness getting stronger. Many times I thought to my self... if this doesn't work out, how am I going to handle having a perfect little nursery with no baby in it. I tried not to dwell on it to much. It was a double edged sword. I knew the baby would need things, but I was so afraid of letting my guard down to buy anything. I think Sawyer's B-Ma could sense my worry because on occasion I would convince myself that this wasn't going to happen and just at that moment, she would send me a text message or picture of her belly. I truly felt that she was excited for us. Those little messages would change my whole week. It recharged my much needed hope.

A picture she sent me with a message saying: "Hello Mommy!"

   When it came time to deciding on a name for the baby, we explored lots of options. We even asked his birth parents what names they liked. We asked them to choose his middle name. Finally Brett and I narrowed down his first name to 3 names and we told them what they were. They liked all but one......Sawyer. They read it on a text message and thought he would be called : SAW-YUR. When they heard us say : SOY-YER they liked it a little more.
   About a month before the baby was born, Sawyer's B-Ma asked when my baby shower was. I was a little surprised she asked but once again I felt that it was a good confident sign. I had been bouncing the idea of a baby shower in my head for a while but I hadn't made a choice whether or not to have one. Remember very few people even knew we were adopting. I had decided to just have one after he was born just in case they changed their minds. So when Sawyer's B-Ma asked me about a shower.... I just came completely honest and told her my feelings about it. I was scared. Yet, it felt so good to talk to her about it. She knew I was scared and did her best to re-assure me that she was confident in her decision. I love her. I decided to go forth and have the baby shower BEFORE he arrived.

My cake at the baby shower : )

    A lot of people were shocked ; ) They had no idea we were even wanting to start our family. When people saw me at church.... some didn't know I was adopting a child... so they told me how good I looked for being 9 months pregnant. That's funny considering that I am tall and slender.
   So through out the whole wait for his arrival I had ups and downs, ups and downs, many times. I had faith and felt good about everything but it was just so hard to believe and comprehend at the same time. There just isn't words for the emotional roller coaster. Its a bittersweet experience I guess.
   Finally the time came for his arrival!! We met at the hospital at 5am and just waited. A couple hours went by and then a nurse came in and asked Sawyer's B-Ma what the baby's name was going to be for the hospital records. I looked at her and watched the name "Sawyer" roll out of her mouth. I thought, "WOW" she said it. That is the name that Brett and I choose for him! I don't know why but just hearing her say his name.... the name we picked....made me see that she has already accepted that he was going to be our baby. Seeing that she had accepted that.... I could breathe. I could relax. It was what I needed to hear and see for myself that let me know that she was ok with things. It was my aha moment.
   For most of our waiting duration, I did feel very confident. However, when I had my few lows, they were really low. Your mind plays tricks on you. To many times I would try to put myself in her shoes and when I did that, the end result was much different.... not in my favor.  That's where your mind gets to you.  I couldn't wear her shoes because I had wanted a baby so desperately for so long that I couldn't even imagine placing him for adoption. I didn't consider her circumstances. All I saw was someone placing their baby for adoption and imagining how it felt if it were me at my moment in life. 2 different circumstances. 2 different goals. 2 different pairs of shoes. Don't mix the two and let your mind mess with you.
    I've learned that the birth parents always have the right to change their minds. However it is not something you need to dwell on. Enjoy the preparation. Celebrate the arrival. Keep an open mind and just be happy. It will be OK no matter what : )

Hello Daddy!

Hello Mommy!