I can't tell you how many times I get asked "Don't you worry that doing an open adoption will be harmful to your son later on?" "How do you deal with sharing your son?" "I can't BELIEVE how open you are with them?""Wow, you are letting your sons birth dad come on winter vacation with you?" "Is that appropriate?" "How do you know your decision of doing your adoption this way is the right way?" " Don't you worry your son with have identity confusion?"
Getting asked those questions ALL the time were starting to weigh on me. I was starting to second guess my self and I started wondering if maybe other people were right. Would doing an open adoption confuse Sawyer and have harmful consequences later on? Here are my HONEST thoughts:
I feel like everything happens for a reason. I may not be able to define those reasons fully but just knowing that there is reason is enough for me. There has been many times I ponder why Sawyer was meant to come to Brett and I. Was it because there were certain things only Brett and I could teach him in his life that his birth parents couldn't? If that were the case, why didn't I just give birth to him myself? You have to understand.... so many things lined up just perfectly for Sawyer to come to us. It was a long, distant, road to find, but once we found it and started on that path, everything just went so smooth. Kinda like it was going according to plan. Our plan. His plan. Their plan. To me, that's how it felt. This was the plan all along.
As human beings, we all have this innate desire to have answers. Especially when it comes to ones self. For me, I LOVE knowledge. Any kind of knowledge. I couldn't imagine going through life never knowing my chapter one. Where I began....my roots. I think it would drive me crazy and leave me wondering about every person I saw that resembled me. Wondering if maybe they held the answers I wanted so badly. Those who know me, know I hate surprises that I know are coming. I remember one time for Christmas, I couldn't stand the suspense of what was under the tree for me, so I got some sort of razor blade and slit the side of the wrapping paper on all my presents just so I could see what my presents were. Crazy I know.... but it just goes to show how much I crave answers. Maybe God made me this way for a reason... this reason. So now when it comes down to my son... I have to be his advocate. He is to small to choose right now if he wants to know his chapter one, but if he is anything like me... he most definitely will. At least he will always have the option whereas a closed adoption, he wouldn't have that choice. So yes... as his parents.... Brett and I are doing what we feel is best for him. It really bothers me when people question that decision we made for him. Like they feel they have the right to give us advice on something as if we hadn't already done the research. I have done the research. I have also talked to other birth parents and adoptive parents in both open and closed adoptions. Honestly though, there isn't a whole lot out there on older children and open adoptions so a lot of the decisions we make are based off of lots of prayer and intuition. Keep in mind too that open adoption is kind of a newer thing. Everyone I have talked to in an open adoption, has told me they wouldn't have it any other way.
Brett and I strongly feel that if Sawyer's birth parents weren't supposed to play a role in his life, we would have had Sawyer ourselves. He would have come straight to us instead of going on a little detour. Maybe his purpose is to teach them something that they could have only learned from the way he was raised by us. This may sound a little confusing but hopefully I can help you understand.
Why are we so open with them? Why not! We love them. It's not like when we see them, they take Sawyer in a corner and try to brainwash him or anything. To me, it's almost like an Aunt or Uncle coming over and hanging out. They don't criticize our parenting and are supportive of our lifestyle. It gets more and more comfortable with each visit. I think our relationship is more uncomfortable for other people than it is for us. Also, it's not like we see them every day either.
As far as if we think we are doing things the "right way", I don't fully know. We feel that we are and we have no regrets. If we felt that it was even in the slightest way going to be harmful for Sawyer, we would do things differently. There is no book of instructions on how to have the perfect adoption just like there is no book on how to raise the perfect child. I still have my days where I have struggles with being an adoptive Mom but those days are very few and far between. A Mother does anything for the good of her child so it is so beyond worth it.
I feel like everything happens for a reason. I may not be able to define those reasons fully but just knowing that there is reason is enough for me. There has been many times I ponder why Sawyer was meant to come to Brett and I. Was it because there were certain things only Brett and I could teach him in his life that his birth parents couldn't? If that were the case, why didn't I just give birth to him myself? You have to understand.... so many things lined up just perfectly for Sawyer to come to us. It was a long, distant, road to find, but once we found it and started on that path, everything just went so smooth. Kinda like it was going according to plan. Our plan. His plan. Their plan. To me, that's how it felt. This was the plan all along.
As human beings, we all have this innate desire to have answers. Especially when it comes to ones self. For me, I LOVE knowledge. Any kind of knowledge. I couldn't imagine going through life never knowing my chapter one. Where I began....my roots. I think it would drive me crazy and leave me wondering about every person I saw that resembled me. Wondering if maybe they held the answers I wanted so badly. Those who know me, know I hate surprises that I know are coming. I remember one time for Christmas, I couldn't stand the suspense of what was under the tree for me, so I got some sort of razor blade and slit the side of the wrapping paper on all my presents just so I could see what my presents were. Crazy I know.... but it just goes to show how much I crave answers. Maybe God made me this way for a reason... this reason. So now when it comes down to my son... I have to be his advocate. He is to small to choose right now if he wants to know his chapter one, but if he is anything like me... he most definitely will. At least he will always have the option whereas a closed adoption, he wouldn't have that choice. So yes... as his parents.... Brett and I are doing what we feel is best for him. It really bothers me when people question that decision we made for him. Like they feel they have the right to give us advice on something as if we hadn't already done the research. I have done the research. I have also talked to other birth parents and adoptive parents in both open and closed adoptions. Honestly though, there isn't a whole lot out there on older children and open adoptions so a lot of the decisions we make are based off of lots of prayer and intuition. Keep in mind too that open adoption is kind of a newer thing. Everyone I have talked to in an open adoption, has told me they wouldn't have it any other way.
Brett and I strongly feel that if Sawyer's birth parents weren't supposed to play a role in his life, we would have had Sawyer ourselves. He would have come straight to us instead of going on a little detour. Maybe his purpose is to teach them something that they could have only learned from the way he was raised by us. This may sound a little confusing but hopefully I can help you understand.
Why are we so open with them? Why not! We love them. It's not like when we see them, they take Sawyer in a corner and try to brainwash him or anything. To me, it's almost like an Aunt or Uncle coming over and hanging out. They don't criticize our parenting and are supportive of our lifestyle. It gets more and more comfortable with each visit. I think our relationship is more uncomfortable for other people than it is for us. Also, it's not like we see them every day either.
As far as if we think we are doing things the "right way", I don't fully know. We feel that we are and we have no regrets. If we felt that it was even in the slightest way going to be harmful for Sawyer, we would do things differently. There is no book of instructions on how to have the perfect adoption just like there is no book on how to raise the perfect child. I still have my days where I have struggles with being an adoptive Mom but those days are very few and far between. A Mother does anything for the good of her child so it is so beyond worth it.
It's totally worth it! My family was verrry concerned that we wanted an open adoption. But once they met our birth mom, they got it. They even invite her personally to our family Thanksgiving at their house.
ReplyDeleteI guess people don't understand that open adoption's #1 purpose for and priority is the baby. Yes, we as adoptive parents and the birth parents get benefits from it, but it's always about the baby. :)
I totally agree in what you are doing.. I think it is AWESOME.. And you like you said if it weren't for them you would not have that little angel!
ReplyDeleteCandace, I think you and Brett have done the most amazing job with adopting Sawyer. I think you are one of the strongest women I know. People who stick their noses into other people's business solely to second guess them drives me crazy! Thank you for posting this. You and Brett are one of a kind and Sawyer is so lucky to have y'all as parents just as you're lucky he's your son.
ReplyDeleteI think open adoption is the BEST thing ever! Your the best mommy, and I'm a huge believer that the Lord sends us our children because we are the best fit for them! I think you are so generous with his birth parents, and that all will be blessed because of your attitude.
ReplyDelete