My First Year as Mom : )

 Motherhood for me started out differently than most. Instead of physical pain, my pain was severely emotional.... to the point it caused me physical pain. I didn't start out motherhood with a natural bond..... exact opposite actually. I felt I couldn't bond. I had a child that on paper was mine, but in my heart.... just wasn't. I wanted him to be mine, but it was hard to just pretend that he didn't come from me. I loved this child but I knew he didn't love me back. He didn't know me. Know my voice or recognize my heartbeat. We didn't listen to the same music or enjoy the same foods. We had nothing together. I loved this child so much.... It was hard to take him away from what he was used to. And that is exactly what I felt. I was taking this child away and I was the bad guy.

    The first time I held my son was very bittersweet. He looked at me with those big brown eyes and yet didn't cry. He just studied me for a long time. I talked quietly to him in hopes that he would know me somehow. In hopes that he remembered our plan. In hopes that he knew he could trust me and love me the way I loved him back. At this same time, I saw his birth parents sitting across from me as I held their child and watched their hearts ache. As my heart was finally starting to heal from years of sadness, their hearts were breaking right in front of me. I wanted to hand him back and just hug them both. I wanted them to trust me and love me the way I loved them. To do what they did for their child; to love him so much, they would let their own hearts break so he could have a wonderful life...... leaves me speechless.

        When we brought Sawyer home, it was still hard. I realized then how little I really did know about babies. I felt that I should have already know his sleep cycle or when he was hungry. All I could think about was how were Lauren and Jason feeling. Were the mad at me? Did they have regrets? Were they going to call and want him back? And if they did, could I do that? When Sawyer cried was it cause he missed them? Was he scared because he didn't know our voices? My thoughts were overwhelming to the point I didn't want to get emotionally attached to him. He didn't love me yet. Weeks go by and there is little improvement. I was to embarrassed to ask for help or advice because I didn't want people to think I was ungrateful or question if I was fit to be this child's mother. I did ask my Mom and she did the best she could but there literally was nobody that could fully relate to me. None of my friends or family had done an adoption or at least an open adoption. Finally my help came to me. Sawyer's social worker. I poured it all out and he said. "Candace, what you are feeling is completely NORMAL". The relief that came with that is unmeasurable. From then on it was all uphill from there. There were a few rocks on that hill but they were easy to get past.

Once we had our first bonding moment in a baby wrap (see previous postings) everything was starting to be a little clearer. It started as little smiles I would get here and there from him to him lighting up the second he saw me. When he said Momma for the first time, I cried and felt so proud. It was then I knew he knew he could trust me. I felt his love for me grow a little each day and now we are best buddies. All of those sad feelings I had in the beginning are now completely gone and the bond my son and I have is an unbreakable one. I think those feelings were necessary though to help me appreciate everything a little bit more. To help me appreicate and empathise with his birth parents more. I LOVE THEM!

   Sawyer made me a mom and not just a mom on paper any more. He has taught me more than anyone else ever has. His spirit is so perfect and his innocents noble. I love how the second we lock eyes, he smiles and comes right over to as if we had been apart all day. We go on a lot of walks together and just talk about everything. He can't talk back but I know he's listening and can probably understand.

   I see everything differently now, especially life and what life has to offer us. We take Sawyer to lots of places all over the U.S. I know he won't remember going to all these places, but thats ok. We are just thrilled to do stuff as a family now : ) He has been in about 30 airplanes, hiked up mountians to tour caves, been snowmobiling and 4 wheeling, and thats just to name a few things. He is well taught on the beauty of the earth and how to appreciate all animals.

Lucy & Jeni ( Sawyer's Lunch Ladies)

    Sawyer made it through an entire year on breast milk. He never had to have formula at all!! Thats is a tremendous blessing!! We are so grateful for all of his milk donors. Jeni even flew in from out of state to suprise him at his first birth day party. That was a wonderful moment. These girls will always have a special place in my heart and in Sawyer's tummy ; )

Sawyer's 1st Birthday

We just celebrated Sawyer's first birthday. He was surrounded by so many people that love him! All of his family was there including both  sides of his birth family. His birth dad made his cake and his birth mom make some cupcakes for everyone. It was fun to have everyone there for this special day.


I love my son. I am so grateful for adoption and for all the blessings that come with it. I love his birth parents and think about them daily. I am so glad that our worlds could come together to make Sawyer's world one. Sawyer was so severely worth the wait.

  One more thing.... now that Sawyer is a year old, we can legally start the adoption process over. Tomorrow we will be filling for adoption! Don't know how long it will take to find is brother or sister, but I know we will be placed with the child we are supposed to have. For some reason, I just had to have my children a different way, but it doesn't make them any less mine. My children will just have a Mommy and a Tummy Mommy. The second time around will be a little easier I think because I have learned so much with my first adoption but I still know in the beginning it will be hard. However, we are ready to go and Sawyer can't wait to be a big brother!

Our Entire World

I LOVE BEING A MOMMY! Thank you Sawyer for being the best son in the world : )