If I would have known......

There are days when I just sit back and ponder about things happening around me at that very moment. I see the lives of family and friends crumbling all around me and I wonder when is it going to be my turn. I have been so extremely blessed lately that I just want to hold my breath and hope my happiness never ends. 

    I have been having a lot of "why me" "why us" thoughts. What did we do that was so deserving of being blessed with Sawyer among other thing? I had once had these thoughts before Sawyer was here, but in a negative way. For so long those thoughts were out of self pity and not being able to know all the answers when I wanted to. Then I finally realized I wasn't supposed to know, I was supposed to grow. Brett and I have been so truly blessed I can't help but to think "what did we do to deserve this.... to deserve him? To deserve his wonderful birth parents? To deserve amazing friends that donate breast milk to him still to this day?"

   Yesterday we got little Sawyer's birth certificate in the mail. I just stared at it with tears in my eyes. I don't know why other than my heart is just overflowing with gratitude and it needed somewhere to pour. I started thinking back to all that has happened to lead to that moment and I am truly in awe. 

  Our lives have changed so much. One of my favorite moments of the day is early in the morning when Sawyer wakes up. He sleeps in his own room but when he wakes early in the morning he'll start to cry. I will go into his room and the moment he sees me, he just reaches out his little arms and gives me the first hug of the day. Then I will take him to my room and we will snuggle and fall back asleep. We will usually sleep for about an hour or so and I just love it. When we wake up from that little nap, that's when the day really begins.

   He can crawl now really fast! We play hide & seek and Peek-A-Boo. I will hide under a blanket and then when I pop out he has this confused yet excited look his face like he wondered where I was for a minute but he is glad I came back. I love his big smile with his two little white teeth poking out at me.

   If I would have known years ago that this is what was to come.....I would have never shed another sad tear over infertility again. Having that hurt though, made me become someone. It made me appreciate Sawyer and his birth family more than ever. It made me recognize that it was all just life lessons I needed to learn before I became a Mommy so I could teach them to him someday. I remember learning in church about Elisabeth in the Bible. She was well stricken in years and baron. She and her husband Zachariah had long already given up hope of ever bearing a child, when an angel appeared to Zachariah promising a son. She finally got pregnant and had John the Baptist at a very old age.  Abraham and Sarah also had given up hope of ever having their own children when God gave Abraham the promise that he and Sarah would have a son whose offspring would be greater than the stars in the sky. Sarah laughed at the promise of God since she was well past the child-bearing years, but God fulfilled his promise with the birth of Isaac. Learning about these women made me realized that their sons played a very important role. They had to be on the earth at that time to fulfill their duty. They also needed to be raised by those women because there were things only those women could teach them that no one else could. They had 90+ years of experience and wisdom. They could have easily been raised by someone younger and healthier but no. There was a plan. After learning about them, I hoped I wouldn't have to wait that long..LOL....but I realized there was a plan for me. I just needed to be patient and wait. My children will come when they are ready and when I am ready to be the Mother they need. Maybe Sawyer is my one and only and that would be perfectly fine too. Once again, I don't need to know...I needed to grow.

    I love finding cheerios in the car and fingerprints on our windows. I love leaky bottle stains on the couch and diapers that smell up the entire house. I love food splatters on the walls and all the baby gates I have to walk over to get through my house. Those are all just little reminders that Sawyer gives us to let us know that he is REAL not imaginary ; ) He knows sometimes we think he is just to good to be true.

The love we have for our son is beyond measure. Almost like our souls were separated for a while but have been reunited and will never be apart again. We are sealed forever.

So worth the wait!